We all have had past intimate relationships which have been characterized by a number of factors. It is a fact that people who were once united on the basis of love can be reduced to mere strangers. When first in love or rather a relationship, things tend to work between the two and the relationship seems to flourish. However, this period is always referred to as the honeymoon period where the couple gets to bond in love with each other. With time, the love fades or reduces in intensity for that matter. It is a natural process and this signifies that the couple is actually getting to know each other, coming to terms with each other’s flaws. This essay accounts for a past intimate relationship I was involved in. I discuss herein some of the aspects of the relationship that I did not like and some of the reasons why it did not last.
After the breakup, I have been thinking that maybe I dated a narcissist. I have been reading the book by Eleanor D. Payson “The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists” and to a greater extent, I am convinced that my partner was a narcissist. Eleanor points out that a narcissist is an individual full of self-worship. The narcissist is engulfed in excess self-absorption which in essence is a form of protection from unconscious yet powerful feelings of inadequacy. The outer charms of a narcissist are quite seductive which quickly captivate their partners to overlook the dreadful side of the relationship. By the time the other partner realizes that something might be wrong, there is a range of effects such as bruised ego to severe cases of depression. I actually relate so much with the views of Eleanor presented in this book.
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At the beginning of the relationship, my partner whom I assume to date was a narcissist, was the pursuer. I actually was the idealized perfect partner. I have to say that I never felt loved and adored that much and to say, I was divinely happy to have found the one I would grow old with. I had this feeling that every box ticked as far as qualities were concerned.
I never liked the clingy aspect of the relationship. In most cases, my partner would keep track of my whereabouts to the extent that I could not even go out with the boys. The nightmare side of the relationship emerged with subtle signs like being subjected to ice cold treatment and sudden withdrawals after a moment of intense love and affection. Whenever I could express my distaste for this, my partner would attack me with all manner of verbal expressions, saying some of the most outrageous stuff. I would, in turn, respond in my outrage trying to counter the attacks, of course with tears since I felt so wounded. In the process, my partner would accuse me further of being oversensitive and crazy.
Another aspect which I never liked is that my partner on many occasions tried to assassinate my character. This came as a result of the vicious nature of the previous attacks. My partner used people around me to accuse me of wrong-doings that I could not even attempt. She even went ahead to use the vulnerabilities which I had shared with her to further put me down. This behavior was quite intermittent and thus brought me a lot of confusion. Occasionally, she was the perfect partner, caring, and sensitive. With time, I had to accept that I was actually in an abusive relationship. I would say the relationship was abusive in nature since it took a toll on me both emotionally and psychologically.
I came into terms with the fact that the relationship was not meant to last. The constant fighting which characterized the relationship was one red flag. I always talked about issues and tried as much as possible not to end up in another fight with my partner. However, the efforts were not appreciated. I felt like every day of my life was another day to try to please my partner and not to live for anything than that. Another thing I think made the relationship not to last is we were in most cases not listening to each other. Being an independent professional woman, my partner in most cases felt like she was always right and that I was supposed to listen to her. I am meant to understand that a relationship is made up of two individuals ready to accept each other with their flaws. In essence, my partner never cared about my concerns and this broke me in a number of ways.
Basically, the relationship could not last due to the fact that we idealized almost everything and lost touch with the realities of life. In one way or the other, I believe a strong relationship is based on truthfulness and trust. A good relationship is where couples fight but do not extend the same overnight. Saying sorry, thank you and please in a relationship is quite important since no one is perfect. Accepting that one is wrong and acting accordingly is also recommended for a successful relationship.
