‘ Why Don’t We Listen Better?’ by Peterson (2015) is a masterpiece that seeks to improve the quality of communication among people. The book provides practical advice on enhancing effective communication; especially among couples; to build strong and healthy relationships. Peterson relies on his work experience as a counselor to develop examples and practical theories that resonate with readers making the book understandable and enjoyable. There are five broad sections in the book: part 1 focuses on communication options, part 2 explores the use of talker-listener cards, part 3 listening techniques, and part 4 and 5 are examples of the talk-listener process. Reading the book has been an eye-opening experience that is shown in my reflections incorporated within the review.
Response
Reading the book has created new insights on the deficiencies of my communication skills. First, I have learned the value of acknowledging others people’s feeling in a conversation, instead of expressing my opinions or giving unsolicited advice on an issue. Whenever my partner complained about my long working hours, I told him to get over it because it was what needed to be done to pay the bills on time. Needless to say, our conversations escalated to arguments, and my work took a toll on the relationship as our emotional connection began to diminish. Since learning the acknowledgment communication technique, our relationship has significantly improved as we started to listen to each other better.
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The flat brain syndrome and the horizontal brain tango are two of the most exciting concepts in the book. Before reading the book, I had never thought of how keeping my feelings bottled up was affecting my relationship with other people; especially my family and close friends. Using the flat brain syndrome, I got a visual representation of what stuffing my stomach with all my unresolved feelings and emotions does to the rest of my body. When I am overloaded with anger and negative emotions, my mouth works overtime, and there is a high risk that I will say things that I will regret after some time (Peterson. 2015). The same applies to other people whose stomachs are overloaded with hurt feelings that influence their actions and communication. When two people fail to talk about their feelings openly, they get thrown into the horizontal brain tango, where everybody acts defensive, and they pull away from each other. I have learned that I can help to relieve other people from their flat brain syndrome by using para-feeling to encourage them to open up about their emotions, improve their feelings, and offer them a supportive hand. For people in the flat brain tango, alternating feelings is the best solution to renewing their relationship.
I also identified with some of the communication traps in the books. When I am angry, I only ask for one-word answers to my questions denying the other person the opportunity to explain the reasons for their actions. Sometimes I am afraid of saying an emphatic “No” to another person during an argument; instead, I use the words “yes, but” creating communication misunderstandings in the process. I have had many complaints from my family and friends that I am always attempting to fix their problem, instead of helping them to work through their troubles (Peterson, 2015). I learned an invaluable lesson that it is better to keep on listening to a person as long as they want instead of fixing them as this makes them feel dominated.
Critique
Arguably, the most valuable contribution of the book was the concept of the talk listener process. Effective listening is essential in human communication. When two people speak at the same time, it is difficult for them to come to an understanding. Peterson (2015) develops a Talker-Listener-Card that determines who should talk first and who should listen to ensure that all issues are openly discussed. However, it is essential for the talker to avoid insulting or accusing the other party when using the TLC cards as this worsens the situation. On the other hand, the listener should be calm, act as a safety net for the talker, understand the issues, and ask for clarification when the need arises. Moreover, the listener should avoid agreeing with advising, defending, or disagreeing with the talker. TLC cards facilitate non-judgmental listening, and the gathered information helps in finding a long-lasting solution to a problem. However, it takes time before couples can learn how to use the cards effectively.
Another valuable contribution is the discussion on the importance of listening in the decision-making process, especially among young couples. Peterson (2015) points out the common mistakes that people make in the decision making process like asking open questions instead of sharing their thoughts. Moreover, the author posits that negotiations should follow sharing as it helps couples to come to an amicable solution. The last step is closing the decision through the division of duties and responsibilities. Of course, the decision-making process should follow all the listening techniques explored in the book including exact repetition, para-feeling, and acknowledgment. As a result, decision-making discussions yield productive results.
‘ Why Don’t We Listen Better?’ by Peterson shares similar ideas with the book ‘ Bridges Not Walls’ By Stewart (1990). The two authors focus on the creation of a listening climate in interpersonal relationships by using communication as the bridge. For example, Peterson and Stewart both discuss the dangers of defensive communication in length and advocate for open sharing of experiences. Therefore, both books acknowledge the role of the teller and listener in the communication process.
Frank and Weikel (2008) ‘Helping Skills for Human Service Workers’ also shares several similarities with Peterson’s book ‘Why We Don’t Listen Better?’ Both authors argue for the use of questions in dialogue although their approach to the issue is different. For example, Peterson (2015) advices the audience to repeat statements in question formats for clarification purposes. On the other hand, human services workers should ask patients questions to determine their sickness. Besides, both authors also warn against fast moves to fix a problem or giving unsolicited advice since the two practices lead to rejection and resistance from the other party. Undoubtedly, both authors tackle the common communication problems experienced by many people in real life situations.
Application
I intend to apply the principles learned in ‘ Why Don’t We Listen Better?’ by Peterson (2015) to improve my interpersonal communication skills. TLC is the first technique that I need to learn because it will help me to shift attention from myself to other people during the communication process. As Peterson (2015) points out, everybody has a story to tell, and in most cases, people speak at the same time making it difficult to understand each other. Therefore, it is essential for one party to assume the role of the talker and the other the listener for communication to take place. The TLC will help me to attain this objective because the cards will help me to determine who is the talker and listener in every conversation. I will practice the TLC as many times as needed to become comfortable with the practice and employ it in my life.
Secondly, I will incorporate three techniques in my communication including acknowledgment, repetition, and para-feelings. One of my greatest weaknesses is failing to recognize other people’s feelings and giving advice instead of lending them a listening ear. Therefore, I will use acknowledgment and repetition to put people’s opinions into the right perspective. Para-feeling will help me to sympathize with others and improve my interpersonal relationships.
Conclusion
‘ Why Don’t We Listen Better?’ by Peterson (2015) is an excellent book that helps people to build their interpersonal skills. The book highlights the critical difficulties encountered in the communication process including the flat brain syndrome, communication traps, and defensiveness among other issues. The author goes forward to discuss solutions to these problems and provides real-life examples to drive the point home. Reading the book has transformed my life, and would strongly recommend it to other people interested in improving their interpersonal communication skills.
References
France, K., Weikel, K., & Kish, M. (2006). Helping Skills for Human Service Workers: Building Relationships and Encouraging Productive Change. Charles C Thomas Publisher.
Petersen, J. C. (2015). Why Don't We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. BookBaby.
Stewart, J. R. (Ed.). (1990). Bridges not walls: A book about interpersonal communication (p. 560). McGraw-Hill.
