How Grief Is Experienced in the American Culture

Introduction 

Grief as a result of losing a loved one or a close person is a phenomenon that is experienced by people from all cultures across the world. However, different cultures experience grief in different ways and have different ways of overcoming grief based on their cultural beliefs related to life and death. This paper examines how grief is experienced in the American culture. Interviews were conducted to gather information on the experience on grief after the death of a loved one or a close person. The information gathered from the interviews is used in determining if grief is experienced in the same way by all people in the American culture regardless of differences such as gender. 

Methods 

The interviewees were two White Americans, a male and a female. I needed people who would feel free and open with me and I therefore decided to approach a close friend who lost her mother eight months ago and a cousin who lost his child a year ago. I live in the same neighborhood with them and the fact that I can easily access them was also another factor considered when determining who to interview. For purposes of this assignment and confidentiality of the interviewees, no real name was be used. Therefore, Ann was the name used for my friend and Tony was the name used for my cousin. Both interviewees are people who I have known for a long time and I felt that the fact that we were close would be helpful in collecting information on their grief experience. As anticipated, they both agreed to participate in my interviews. The interviews were spate for each but the questions asked were the same. The questions asked were: 

How long did you lose your loved one? 

What was the cause of their death? 

How did you learn that the person was dying and what was your first reaction after the bad news were broken to you? 

How did the news affect your daily life? Did anything change? Were you able to live life as usual knowing that your loved one was about to die? 

Did you spend some time with the person after learning that he/she was about to die? How was the period spent with the person like for you after knowing that the person was about to die soon? What would go on in your mind while interacting with the person at this point? 

Were u with the person when he/she died? If you were present, how was the experience? How was your reaction? If you were not present, how did you learn that the person had died and how did you react/what was your experience? 

How was the period after the death of the person until the funeral like for you? Were you able to conduct life as before the death issue surfaced? What do you remember about that period? 

Kindly describe how the funeral was, what activities were conducted, those in attendance, and the reactions of the different people who attended the funeral service? 

What was your experience during the funeral service like? 

Do you think there is something about the person’s death that you feel you would have done in a different way? 

How has your life been since the death of the person? Has your life/things remained the same again? 

How did the death of the person impact/affect your perspective about life? 

The interview was not recorded and notes on the responses given and observations made were taken throughout the interview session. The only problem that arose was in the second interview where Ann broke down at one point when she remembered the experience during her mother’s death. She was consoled and allowed time to recollect herself before proceeding with the rest of the interview which was smooth. All the information needed was gathered and in some cases the interviewees gave more information which was helpful in determining how grief is experienced in the context of American culture. I had confidence that the interviewees were honest in their responses. They also provided relevant information on their grief experiences. 

Results 

Ann lost her mother to cancer eight months ago. She received diagnosis when the disease was advanced and only lived for four months after the diagnosis. Ann’s grieving began immediately after the diagnosis when the doctor broke the bad news that her mother only had a few months to live. From her responses, she stated that she felt like her world was coming to an end and that she could not imagine a life without her mother. After her mother’s death and burial, Ann felt that she lost her stability in life and that there was no one to control what happens in her life. Ann’s description of her experience after the death indicates that she felt that she lost support, stability and protection which was being offered by her mother. They also indicate a feeling of helplessness and lack of being certain any more. Tony on the other hand lost his child in a tragic accident. Although his son’s death caused him immense sadness and grief, he avoided showing it off because as he stated he wanted to be strong for his wife and his other children. According to Tony, he could not show his emotions in front of his family or in public. He experienced intense sadness, denial, and emotional turmoil. Before and a short period after the burial, Tony stated that doing some of the slightest activities was monumental to him. In addition, what he would easily achieve before became insurmountable. Being unable to grieve with other people makes Tony appear sadder compared to Ann. He stated that of late his health has become poor and I think this is caused by suppression of emotions. 

One of the interesting things noted is that the female interviewee would display her emotions through crying in public while the male interview thought it not right to express his emotional pain in public and had to contain his tears despite the fact that he was hurting inside. This finding indicates that there are some differences in the way grief is experienced in men and women in the context of American culture. Men are expected to show that they are strong and therefore should not show their emotions in public. Therefore, despite intense grief in their hearts as a result of the death of a loved one, a man is expected to contain his emotions and act strong for his family. On the other hand, women are expected to cry or express their grief in other ways even in public and it is acceptable in the society. 

Denial, inability to do simple tasks and a feeling of hopelessness as ways of experiencing grief stood out to me. Both interviewees had some similar experiences while others differed. Both for example, experienced feelings of hopelessness were unable to do the usual simple tasks and both had frequent dreams of their dead persons. In addition, despite the fact that it has been months since they lost their loved ones, they still feel the sadness at times and cry when they remember or think of them. However, their lives have resumed to normal. However, the experience of losing a mother was different in some ways from that of losing a child. Ann for example felt that she had lost her support, security and stability. This is different for John who support and security does not apply because he is the parent and a child does not provide them. However, he stated that he had a lost a part of his reason for living. The differences are caused by the fact that losing a parent is different in some ways from losing a child. A parent protects, supports, and takes care of a child in different ways while a child does not. Tony experienced feelings of guilt. He blames himself for not being careful with the child and feels that if was watching over his son, the accident would not have occurred. Ann however does not have feelings of guilt because she feels that the disease was something that she could not have prevented by whatsoever means. By the time of the interview, both interviewees stated that they were now able function. However, the memories of their loved ones still linger in their minds. Apart from sadness at times, both Ann and Tony no longer experience any other symptoms of grief. Support from relatives, close friends and a counselor has been helpful to Ann during the grieving process. For Anthony, support from his friends, colleagues at work and family especially is mother has been helpful in his grieving process. 

Conclusion 

Grief is the context of American culture is experienced in different ways depending on the circumstances surrounding the death, relationship with the dead person and the gender of the grieving person. grief in the American culture context is experienced in various ways which include physical, emotionally, socially, behavior related ways, mental experiences, and spiritually. People may experiences headaches, nausea, anger, guilt, confusion, dreams, appetite changes, pressure to act strong for one’s family, and challenges in one’s beliefs among others. In the American cultural context, men are expected to act strong for their families in times of grief. Initially, I thought that grief experiences were the same whether one has lost a child or a parent. However, the interview has changed my view on the aspect and I have realized that the feelings for a person grieving a parent are in some ways different from those of an individual grieving a child. Despite the fact that Ann was aware that her mother was to die after some few months, she was not prepared to accept the fact that she had died. This indicates how difficult it is to accept that a loved one is no more and the reality of death. 

Celebrating and focusing on the good times spent with the departed person as a way of dealing with death was an important insight gained. In addition, trying to accept the fact that if one was born death is a must is crucial in dealing with death. Although difficult to accept, each one of us will day die and accepting that the person would have to die at a certain point in life is important in dealing with death. In addition, believing in life after death is another way of dealing with death. Ann believes that her mother is always watching over her from heaven and they will meet in the next life. This keeps her going and has helped her deal with her mother’s death. Believing that the departed person is with you despite the fact that you cannot see them physically is consoling and can help in forging on in life. Spending time with a loved one who is about to die is essential because it gives both individuals time to show love and forgive one another. This helps in doing away with feelings of guilt and creates a feeling of peace knowing that things were right between the two people before death. I would apply this in my life because it is also helpful in dealing with death. Griefs are normal emotions in all people across different cultures. The way we experience grief is highly personal in the American culture context. There is a time to be born and a time to die, we therefore have to experience grief at some point in our lives because death is a reality. From the interview, it appears that grieving a parent leads to loss security and stability while grieving a child leads to feelings of guilt and failure. 

Appendix I: Interview questions and responses in notes form 

Note: For the purposes of anonymity, the names used are real names 

Interviewee One: Tony 

How long ago did you lose your loved one?12 months 

What was the cause of their death? Accident, ran over by a truck 

How did you learn that the person was dying and what was your first reaction after the bad news were broken to you? Told by the doctor, confused 

How did the news affect your daily life? Did anything change? Were you able to live life as usual knowing that your loved one was about to die? Unable to concentrate, spent the whole day at the hospital 

Did you spend some time with the person after learning that he/she was about to die? No. How was the period spent with the person like for you after knowing that the person was about to die soon? What would go on in your mind while interacting with the person at this point? Did not spend time with the dying son 

Were u with the person when he/she died? If you were present, how was the experience? How was your reaction? If you were not present, how did you learn that the person had died and how did you react/what was your experience? Was not with the person when dying, was informed by the doctor, was confused, unable to move or talk, and remained numb for some period. 

How was the period after the death of the person until the funeral like for you? Were you able to conduct life as before the death issue surfaced? What do you remember about that period? Tough period, unable to do simple tasks, had to console his wife and children throughout the period although he was grieving too. 

Kindly describe how the funeral was, what activities were conducted, those in attendance, and the reactions of the different people who attended the funeral service? Close relatives and friends attended, a prayer service was conducted, was so emotional especially for family members. 

What was your experience during the funeral service like? Lost in thoughts, confused, in disbelief that the son was lying lifeless inside the coffin, was like a dream. 

Do you think there is something about the person’s death that you feel you would have done in a different way? Yes. Would have watched over the son to prevent his death 

How has your life been since the death of the person? Has your life/things remained the same again? Difficult dealing with the fact that he is no more. Was the only son. Holds on to the memories he had with him 

How did the death of the person impact/affect your perspective about life? 

Feels that life has to come to an end one day because the son’s death proved to him that death is a reality, nothing is permanent, live your life to the fullest because you will die at a later point. 

Interview Two 

Name: Ann 

How long ago did you lose your loved one? Eight months 

What was the cause of their death? Cancer 

How did you learn that the person was dying and what was your first reaction after the bad news were broken to you? The doctor told both Ann, her mother and grandmother after diagnosis that she had four months to live because the disease was at an advanced stage. She cried uncontrollably and could not believe that her mother was actually dying. 

How did the news affect your daily life? Did anything change? Were you able to live life as usual knowing that your loved one was about to die? Unable to attend school regularly and do her duties as usual. 

Did you spend some time with the person after learning that he/she was about to die? How was the period spent with the person like for you after knowing that the person was about to die soon? What would go on in your mind while interacting with the person at this point? Spent time with mother before death, was a very emotional and difficult period for her 

Were u with the person when he/she died? If you were present, how was the experience? How was your reaction? If you were not present, how did you learn that the person had died and how did you react/what was your experience? Was not present when mother died, news were delivered by her grandmother, cried uncontrollably, screamed, passed out. 

How was the period after the death of the person until the funeral like for you? Were you able to conduct life as before the death issue surfaced? What do you remember about that period? 

Kindly describe how the funeral was, what activities were conducted, those in attendance, and the reactions of the different people who attended the funeral service? So emotional, close relatives and friends attended, a short prayer service conducted 

What was your experience during the funeral service like? Difficult, hoped that her mother would wake up, felt as if her life came to an end when the coffin was lowered into the grave, seeing her mother in the coffin was troubling. 

Do you think there is something about the person’s death that you feel you would have done in a different way? No 

How has your life been since the death of the person? Has your life/things remained the same again? Feels alone without her mother, life’s difficult for her 

How did the death of the person impact/affect your perspective about life? Challenged her religious beliefs and made her lose hope because after all death is real.