19 Oct 2022

140

Marriage Counselling: How to Find the Right Therapist

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History of Marriage and Procreation 

People perceive the idea of marriage differently according to their beliefs, religious and cultural orientations. Historically, some philosophers and researchers developed distinct ideologies on what marriage is and the constraints that bind couples in this arrangement. According to Christians, the idea of marriage was founded by the creator as per the book of Genesis. In his episcopal career, Saint Augustine wrote about the evolution of marriage which he described in three phases. Augustine initially viewed sex and marriage as a distraction from the more speculative pursuits of the Christian philosopher. In his soliloquies, he portrayed his decision to embrace full continence. Apart from commenting on the value of procreation, Augustine seemed to regard marriage primarily as a safe harbor from the shipwrecks caused by youthful sexual desire. There was no clear cause and reason for any reasonable man to desire entering into a marriage if their sexual thirst could be quenched using underhand arrangements. Augustine opposed the beliefs of the Manichees that were built on the premise of discouraging marriage and procreation. To them, marriage led to enslavement. The Catholic Christians had opposing and ideologies that were advocated for by Augustine. He defended his beliefs against different philosophers and other theological scholars. Between the years 400 and 410, he developed a new theological stand that borrowed from the opinions of both Jovinian and Jerome. Augustine’s stand was more like a middle ground between these two extremes notions of marriage and celibacy. He dwelled on the goodness of Christian marriage and argued about the superiority of celibate life. In The Excellence of Marriage, Augustine alludes to the creation story in Genesis concerning the union of man and woman within this broader social confines. The creation of Eve was symbolic in the sense that it showed the power of the union. According to Augustine, procreation was a fruit of marriage that was, in a way, similar to the original social purpose of God’s creation. He deemed this as one of the primary good of marriage. Augustine also views sexual fidelity in marriage as a primary good of marriage (Augustine, 1999, p.  12-16 ) . The confines of marriage need to bind couples so that they have to engage in sexual relations with their spouse only. These theological ideas set a foundation for some crucial schools of thought regarding marriage and sexuality. 

Contemporary View of Marriage 

Essentially, these ideologies prompt us to generally ask ourselves what marriage is and how the concept of marriage has developed over the years. It also prompts us to investigate how various social, cultural, and religious dimensions affect marriage in the modern world. Contemporary society has its unique way of defining marriage. In legal terms, marriage refers to a legally sanctioned contract between couples who can enter into an agreement that allows them to live together until its termination. This kind of contract means that the legal status of both parties changes (Petrus & Lombardus, 2007, p.  27-28 ) . Each couple immediately assumes new rights and obligations. 

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Traditional View of Marriage and Its Evolution 

Preservation of the family unit is the common belief that public policy ascribes to for its support of marriage. Traditionally, people viewed marriage as a crucial element for preserving civilization and morals. One principle that the traditional marriage institution was based on was that husbands were obliged to support their wives. The wives, on the other hand, had the sole duty to serve. In ancient times, this meant that the husband had to provide financial support and offer guidance to their families. The wives’ primary obligations entailed taking care of the home, living in the home, and bring up children (Hildebrand, 2018) . The wife was also supposed to have sexual relations exclusively with her husband. However, time has enabled us to witness the changes that happened to this traditional setup. Wives became more educated, self-conscious, and aware about where they wanted to be in life. They started moving away from these traditional notions that society had dictated to them. These changes in society have modified the marital roles such that they are completely different from the traditional ones. In current times, it is normal to see most wives attending school in their pursuit of enlightenment while husbands are taking part in childbearing and rearing. 

Common-Law Marriage and Legal Consequences of Marriage 

Altering marital rights and duties can be achieved only through legally prescribed limits. Critically, there are consequences, including loss of property rights if the couples choose to divorce and end the marriage. Other consequences include child support, visitation, and temporary maintenance of the spouse. Common-law marriage was applicable in most states at one point in time. This was a form of arrangement where no marriage license was required, neither was a marriage ceremony. Couples entered into this form of arrangement that required them to come together and publicly holding themselves as husband and wife. Upholding Common-Law marriage as valid meant that children were legitimized, social security benefits were allowed to surviving spouses, and the families were entitled to inherit property in the absence of the will. However, with time, common-law marriage lost significance because of its legal complications regarding property and inheritance. Currently, marriage is regulated by states in America. 

Forms of Marriage 

There are different forms of marriage practiced around the world depending on religious and cultural beliefs. The most common one is monogamy, which refers to the union between two individuals, a woman, and a man. Traditionally, monogamy entailed the union of one man and one woman, but some countries have since recognized same-sex unions. This is because society is progressing and evolving; more people are beginning to understand and acknowledge their sexuality. This has prompted a shift in the conventional way of thinking about same-sex marriage, and several countries have openly adopted it. Sweden, Iceland, Portugal, Brazil, France, Denmark, the United Kingdom, and South Africa have allowed same-sex marriage. There is still ongoing debate by religious factions who condemn this form of marriage because it goes against their doctrines and underlying values. Same-sex marriages have been meted with harsh condemnation because of the nature of their relationship. Serial monogamy is a form of marriage where individuals have different spouses over their lifetime, but only one at a time. This kind of practice is common in industrial societies. 

The other form of marriage is polygamy. This is the second most common form of marriage that entails the union between three or more individuals. Most people assume that polygamy refers to the marriage between a man and two or more women. This form of marriage is referred to as polygyny, while polyandry refers to the marriage between a woman and multiple men. Some cultures allow fraternal polyandry, whereby a woman marries her brothers. Other cultures encourage polyandry due to the low population of females or scarcity of land. For instance, Nepal has a tribe known as the Nyinba, which practices fraternal polyandry since the available land is not enough to divide between brothers. Moreover, the high mortality rate of female children makes the number of women lesser than males. 

There are other cultures where polygyny is more common than polyandry. Frontier and warrior societies have this kind of marriage because rapid population growth is necessary for their survival and progression. Such societies regard men with multiple wives and children highly since they have proven that they can support a large family. Wives and children also tend to provide ready labor in such families. Adequate human labor impacts significantly on the wealth of such households. Some groups that practice polygyny include Australian Aborigines. 

Functions of Marriage 

Marriage, a socially approved union, has its functions depending on demographics and culture. For most groups, these functions are almost similar. Marriage checks sexual behavior. It limits the number of sexual partners that an individual can have because it dwells on the confines of fidelity. It also helps cultural groups establish some control over the growth of their population by specifying the right time to have children. This kind of sexual regulation helps check sexual competition and its negative effects. However, this does not necessarily mean that sexual unions which are socially unapproved to occur outside marriage do not exist. For instance, the Kalinda among the Philippines allowed a man whose wife could not bear children to take a mistress. The other function of marriage is to satisfy the economic needs of spouses. This means that marriage helps people establish whom they are socially and economically responsible for. Marriage also strengthens kinship groups. It is a legitimate way of informing people about inheritance. It also provides a framework for the enculturation of children. It helps them understand gender roles and various cultural norms. Moreover, it clearly establishes under whose care children fall. 

The Current State of Marriage 

Different people, including modern and ancient philosophers and social scientists, have denounced the original marriage institution. Most of them argue that marriage is a “towering inferno,” which in the end burns the parties involved. This is mostly true because it is evident that many marriages end in divorce or unbounded hatred and rage between the spouses. The same marriages founded on the grounds of love, fulfillment, and family end up collapsing, leading to separated parents, fatherless children, and lonely spouses. The high romantic expectations that people usually have can be directly credited to their bitter disappointment later on in marriages. Many spouses find themselves oppressed by numerous endless unfulfilled needs and failure as lovers and as parents. They then realize that the satisfaction of marriage that people mostly talk about is all but a fallacy to some extent. 

In the current times, people who usually feel trapped in toxic and troubled marriages tend to seek the nearest exit. In the end, all they can do to justify their failed marriage is to condemn the institution entirely and set out to seek new alternatives. They then turn to other newer options such as casual sex, non-formal cohabitation, or open relationships. The bottom line is that they avoid commitments at all costs. These experiences are very common in every community. This has compelled urban philosophers and radical thinkers to administer the last rites to the dying institution of marriage. They advocate for such worthy ideals as personal fulfillment, freedom, and universal kinship, openness and present themselves as embattled liberals confronting the powerful and reactionary establishment of repressive paranoiacs who believe in traditional marriage. 

Religious View on Marriage 

Marriage is capable of generating two extremes- love and hate, expanding universe, or intolerable prison. There is also a clear contradiction concerning marriage in the Bible. Proverbs 18:22 says that, “who findeth a wife, findeth a great good," whereas Ecclesiastes 7:26 says that, "And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snare and nets." Talmudic Sages reconciles these two by stating that "a good wife is man's best friend, a bad one is worse than death (Friedman, 2019) . Otherwise, most people associate religion with greater marital stability and relatively higher levels of marital satisfaction. They believe that religion instills certain essential values and habits that play a great role in the success of marriages. 

Conclusion 

In the end, there is no need to blame the institution of marriage if it does not work out; rather, there is a need to blame the people involved. What did they not get right while living together? What factors made it impossible for them to exist in harmony as before? Are there any shortcomings that they failed to resolve before things got out of hand? Even though these questions are significant, it is still hard to ascertain whether an individual will grow in marriage and have the ability to sustain the experience of lifelong caring and permanent closeness. Some of these qualities are very hard to determine. People can not only look at romantic love as the only requirement for marriage. Achieving marital success requires the contribution of different factors, not just love. 

References 

Augustine, S. (1999).  Marriage and virginity: The excellence of marriage; Holy virginity; The excellence of widowhood; Adulterous marriages; Continence

Hildebrand, D. V. (2018).  The encyclical Humanae vitae: A sign of contradiction: An essay in birth control and Catholic conscience . Hildebrand Press. 

Petrus, & Lombardus, P. (2007).  The sentences: The mystery of the trinity . Pontifical Institute of Medieval Studies. 

Friedman, H. H. (2019). Greatest insights of the Talmudic sages: A roadmap for a gratifying and meaningful life.  SSRN Electronic Journal https://doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.3454895 

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StudyBounty. (2023, September 14). Marriage Counselling: How to Find the Right Therapist.
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