Summary
The first section of “ Why Don’t We Listen Better?” by James C. Patterson explores various options of communication by developing the Flat-Brain Theory that purports a triadic formula of self involving the stomach personifying emotions, the head personifying thoughts and the heart personifying personal responsibility. The Flat-Brain Tango characterized by harmful language is a consequence of the bloating of the emotional stomach that causes heart pressure which stifles personal responsibility resulting in a flattened brain which in turn skews thoughts (Patterson 2007). When the hurtful language lands in the recipient’s stomach, he/she responds defensively through retaliation. The destructive cycle is terminated by letting go of winning (Patterson, 2007).
In the second section, Patterson describes the use of talker-listener card which clarifies the talker and encourages him to take responsibility as the listener stays detached. The card further identifies each party’s responsibility. The talker is responsible of sharing feelings and thoughts while the listener’s goal is to provide a safe, understanding and clarifying environment. The card also warns the talker to avoid accusations, labels, attacks or judgment and warns the listener to avoid disagreeing, agreeing, defending or advising. Further in this chapter, Patterson explains when the parties should take turns to ensure effective communication (Patterson, 2007).
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The third section, Patterson presents listening techniques represented by several communication traps including ritualistic listening, asking accusing questions, disguising questions as statements, and yes-butting. Basic listening techniques presented include thought and feeling, empathy, various inquiry methods, emotional connection devices, a modified cost-benefit analysis, rapport building processes and solution focused questions. In this chapter, Patterson also addresses special circumstances involving better listening techniques during boring stories, death experiences, sad tears, suicidal situations and persistent anger.
The last two sections of “ Why Don’t We Listen Better?” explain how to use the TLC in groups and a brief concluding philosophy. He focuses on the most effective way of using the model with family by utilizing the Talker-Listener Card. He also explains how to use the card in moderating seemingly difficult and challenging conversations and negotiations. Lastly, the book emphasizes the value of empathy, humility, genuineness, and a warm communication within a therapeutic process regardless of the exact School of psychology being used.
Response
Patterson’s book is an excellent way of developing important communication skills required in both private and social contexts. He is particular on the specific use of the TLC model in the family context. This is helpful to me and certainly, to anyone reading this book. We all come from families with values, a specific cultural pattern and a unique belief system. The manner in which we are brought up may reflect the principles of Patterson’s model but not as perfectly as it is presented in this book. Trying to embrace his guidelines would obviously cultivate the virtue of love that paves way for all other values required for a harmonious living. Basically, the book is a practical rather than theoretical guide on the best ways to perfect not only communication skills but also the best relationships one would desire.
The book triggers memories in my life back in high school. I often found challenges distinguishing between “talking” and “speaking”, “hearing” and “speaking”, “looking” and “seeing.” I can now tell that my role as a recipient of information in a meaningful conversation or communication is to listen and not to hear, because listening is based on the practical application of Patterson’s principles. Once I miss out the skills of empathy, attention and meaningful questioning, I am no longer playing my role as a listener. The book also reminds me that as a listener, I have to be as actively engaged in communication just as a teller. When it comes to my turn to tell or talk, I understand, by reading through Patterson’s guidelines, that I am not a speaker but rather a teller. The book reminds me that my responsibility is to combine and exercise control over my feelings and emotions to achieve a constructive communication or conversation.
Lastly, as I read through “ Why Don’t We Listen Better?, I realize that my own internal processes such as beliefs, drives, emotions and feelings are subjective to me and not any other person. I understand that it is my responsibility to take care of them lest I lose control and hurt others by exposing these unpleasant internal states to them. Generally, the message presented by Patterson is simply a warning to take care of a seemingly easy yet complex process called “communication”.
Critique
The book generally covers important concepts of meaningful communication such as effective listening, conversation management, empathy among other elements. His emphasis on the internal states as an effective source of solution to the challenges of communication is particularly commendable. The author’s “Perry Masons,” which means statements that are usually disguised as questions with hidden motives that adversely affect relationships is an important element that has barely been identified in the existing literature. The value that the author places on interpretation, emotional aspect of communication, and purposeful modification and management of conversations makes his model strong and effective for application in varied social contexts.
However, there are a few areas in Patterson’s model that might require exploration and clarification. Patterson warns the listener of neither agreeing nor disagreeing in the course of a conversation. From a critical point of view, these are automatic internal processes that are free of personal choice. One cannot choose when to agree or disagree. It just occurs as a result of experiences and personality. Additionally, in the course of communication, it is inevitable that we are likely to view others in the lens of our own values, experiences and beliefs rather than their own. This often results in judgment which is also contrary to Patterson’s guidelines. Beebe & Masterson (2014) recommends effective strategies to overcome barriers to effective communication but acknowledges the role of individual contexts in conversations. However, Patterson’s model proposes this solution without acknowledging the role that various contexts play in the communication process. This implies the incompleteness in his model.
Despite these limitations in his model of communication, Patterson is successful in highlighting the core aspects of communication and strict adherence to this model results in effective communication. It is consistent with the imperial research that highlights features of effective communication as reported by Alberts, Nakayama & Martin (2015). Patterson’s model is applicable in teaching and learning, guiding and counseling and many other fields that require effective management of conversations including day-to-day social interaction.
Application
I have gained insight from Patterson’s communication guidelines that are significant in supplementing my prior understanding of the concept and application of effective communication skills in different contexts. First, I have learnt that the minor things I take for granted such as expression of emotions during conversations are impactful on the other party. Managing these aspects is the basis for effective communication. Unlike my conventional understanding of communication as a mere process of exchanging information and ideas, the role of feelings, attitude and other internal subjective states in communication is imperative.
I have also learnt that regardless of the situation in which I am, I should exercise conscious efforts to ensure effective communication at all times. Unlike my previous understanding that handling situations such as extreme anger and death situations is entirely dependent on an individual’s temperament and subjective personality disposition, this is not the case. These situations are manageable if an individual consciously understands and practically applies Patterson’s guidelines to control the feelings that arise in such situations.
Lastly, Patterson’s model of communication is applicable in various scenarios and circumstances involving patient-doctor relationship, teacher-student relationship, and client-counselor relationship among other scenarios. All that matters is the ability of the listener and the talker to practically apply these guidelines. Therefore, Patterson’s TLC model is significant in different circumstances and generally applicable in human communication. If used appropriately, the model is effective at enhancing human relationships in both personal and professional scenarios. I would recommend this model to all whose communication matters in their lives, including various professionals in different fields of specialization.
References
Alberts, J. K., Nakayama, T. K., & Martin, J. N. (2015). Human communication in society . Pearson.
Beebe, S. A., & Masterson, J. T. (2014). Communicating in small groups: Principles and practices . Pearson Higher Ed.
Petersen, J. C. (2015). Why Don't We Listen Better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships . BookBaby.
