I have heard of and read several theories on parenting and has come across a wide range of articles on the effects of parenting styles on adults. You have probably come across one or two parenting theories as there are several theories meant to provide an insight into parenting styles. One of the parenting styles theories that have stood out is Baumrind parenting theory. Diana Baumrind to me, is still one of the celebrated psychologists for her works in parenting styles. The one question that always comes into my mind is how parenting styles affect our lives as adults in building relationships. Most of us have our own weakness when it comes to adult relations while some have shown great personalities and characters when relating to others. The reason behind these differences can be related to parenting styles. Diana Baurmind’s parenting styles can provide a good analysis in answering the question of how parenting styles have subsequent effects on adult relations.
Baumrind’s Parenting Styles
Before going deep into the issue of adult, parenting, let us first understand Baumrind’s parenting styles. As mentioned earlier, she is a researcher and a psychologist who unlike other psychological theorists who seek to explain human development focused on parenting styles. Baumrind came up with three parenting styles. The first parenting styles of the researcher is an authoritative style. Many of us probably grew up with this kind of parenting style. In the authoritative parenting style, parents are responsive and demanding of their children. In this parenting styles, our parents have a high expectation of maturity in us. Parents are also very considerate of the children’s feelings and guide them on how to regulate their feelings. The second parenting style is the authoritarian parenting style. The parenting style refers to parents that are not responsive but are demanding of their children. This is where you probably felt your parents were unfair and wished for other parents. The parents using this parenting style approach employ heavy punishment on their children. Children have an obligation to follow the rules and directions of their parents. There is no focus on the child’s opinion, explanations, or feedback. Some of us can relate to this parenting style through the wiping we received as children with the constant mistakes we made. It is not because our parents hated us, the goal of the style was to teach us to be responsible, to behave ourselves and thrive as adults, and to survive. The third parenting styles is the permissive style, also known as the indulgent style. While most of us probably do not relate to this, there are also a good number of people who can easily relate to this (Baumrind, 2011). Ever came across the spoilt children whose parents never punished them for their mistakes, well they fall in this category. The permissive type of parenting style is one whereby parents are involved in their children’s growth but does not place any control or demands on the children. They are very responsive to the needs of the children, are very nurturing and accepting of their children’s needs, feelings, and wishes.
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Parenting Styles and Adult Relations
Having gone through the different parenting styles, the one main that is elicited on anyone’s mind is how this parenting translates to key factors that affect our adult relationships. The first analysis I am going to provide is a secure attachment. The parenting styles we receive depending on the type of style we are exposed to can lead to a secure attachment. A primary caregiver can help develop a secure attachment relationship with the child. Secure attachment in my understanding is mostly employed by the children who grew up in a supportive environment. Their parents were most responsive to their feelings and needs. Secure attachment is mostly related to the permissive parenting style and the authoritative parenting style. Both of these parenting styles are very responsive to the needs of the children. Anyone who received this kind of parenting style is comfortable when seeking help from others, comfortable about opening up about themselves and have no problems with closeness. These people have ease in seeking emotional intimacy or physical intimacy. They exhibit minimal fear of rejection or being overwhelmed.
Basically, anyone with a secure attachment has no difficulty in developing long lasting relationships. These people are very reliable based on their behaviors and have a consistent behavior with their partners. Decision making is important to them; hence, they tend to include the people they deem to be important to them, such as their partners or their friends. All these are as a result of the socialization they were exposed to in conjunction with the parenting style. Parents of such people were, therefore caring and responsive to the needs of their children. The most obvious parenting style that fits this description is the indulgent parental style. I, however, would like to think that authoritative parents are also very responsive and although may be very demanding are very considerate of the needs of their children.
There is also a group of people who are always uncomfortable building relationship with others. These people have what is called dismissive-avoidant attachment and is also caused by the parenting style. The parents of such people were not responsive to their needs and feelings as primary caregivers. Some of these parents even rejected the needs of their children. A child that whose parents are not responsive to their needs is therefore likely to have a dismissive-avoidant attachment. Research shows that a significant number of these people tend to pull way emotion as a way of avoiding rejection or feelings. These people are the opposite of the secure attachment. They are not comfortable with emotional openness. They deny themselves a chance to form or build intimate relationships. I have met a few friends of mine who I would not describe as having received the dismissive-avoidant attachment but shows several characteristics of the type of attachment. My research shows that dismissive-avoidant attachment is linked to Baumrind’s authoritarian parenting style. In the parenting style, parents tend to be very demanding but are not responsive to the needs of their children, as I said earlier. The parenting style is mostly characterized by corporal punishment like spanking (Brown & Bakken, 2011). So what are the other characteristics or behaviors that such people exhibit that will probably signal you that you received the authoritarian parenting style? Well, these people emphasize on autonomy and independence. They have their own techniques of reducing feelings, emotions, or being overwhelmed using their independence. The techniques they employ can include shutting down their feeling and avoiding love. These are the people that will never say I love you even though it can be evident that they love someone from their behaviors. I am sure you have come across such a person. They also keep their own secrets and never opens up. In the long run, these techniques tend to be very detrimental to their adult life, especially when forming lasting relationships.
There also these people who tend to be fearful of building and committing to relationships. This kind of attachment is also called the fearful-avoidant attachment. It is claimed that people who have this kind of style were exposed to a lot of abuse while growing up. The primary caregivers can be both the source of their hurt or not. When the parents are not their source of hurt, these children turn to their parents as their source of support or comfort. Let us cite back to Baumrind’s parenting styles, which one of these parenting styles can be associated with this situation. Well, in my view, it has everything to do with the authoritarian parenting styles. There is also a wide range of research that is in support of my sentiments. As part of their corporal punishment, some parents go to the extreme point of abusing their children. This is always subject to a lot of ethical discussions and questions. We are often left with the question of to what extent we should go when punishing our children. Children who are exposed to a lot of neglect or abuse while growing up become adults with relationship issues. They fear to have intimate relationships and to have close friends. These people also fear not having close relationships but do not want to form them. One thing unique about these group of people is that unlike the insecure avoidant people, they recognize the significance and value of having friends and close relationships. They just fear trusting people. Their constant fear of being rejected or hurt makes them avoid emotional attachment to people.
There are parents who are often consistent with their parental styles. These parents sometimes tend to be responsive to their children, and sometimes, they are not. I would like to think that these are the parents that employ more than one of the Baumrind parenting styles that involve both being responsive and not being responsive to their needs. The inconsistency normally translates to the adult lives of the children. I found out that such children develop what is referred to as the Anxious-preoccupied attachment. Parents of these children sometimes show a lot of care to the needs of the children and can sometimes be very cold. Children who are receiving this kind of parenting style know the significance of the connection relationships have on their lives (Jones, Cassidy & Shaver, 2015). I was surprised to learn that these are the people that can become clingy when in relationships. They eventually become annoying to their partners and friends and can easily lose their connection with their friends.
Being aware of the role of relationship connection, such people do everything to increase or improve the relationship connection. I also noted that some research claimed that people who tend to be clingy and focus a lot of energy on relationship connection could have had traumatic experience while growing up. It is, therefore, safe to say that there are some behaviors that we have as adults that affect our relationship with others that we do not need to blame our parents or our parenting styles. These behaviors can be brought about by different external factors. Another thing that I consider of importance is the issue of adult personalities. Although I gave little importance of the issue in this discussion, I consider personalities we have as adults that affect our adult relationships part of the parental styles we receive. From people who are extroverts to people who are introverts, all these personalities are linked to Baumrind’s parenting styles.
Conclusion
Adult relationships are important in an adult’s life. We have a lot of differences in adult relationships. There are people who are bold in forming relationships, while others tend to be fearful about building relationships. Others totally suppress the urge to form intimate relationships. All these differences are brought about by parenting styles as theorized by Baumrind. This discussion has provided an in-depth analysis of the connection between parenting styles and adult relationships.
References
Baumrind, D. (2011). The Influence of Parenting Style on Adolescent Relations, Competence
And Substance Use. The Journal of Early Adolescence , 11 (1), 56-95.
Brown, B. B., & Bakken, J. P. (2011). Parenting and Peer Relationships: Reinvigorating
Research on Family–Peer Linkages in Adolescence. Journal of Research on Adolescence , 21 (1), 153-165.
Jones, J. D., Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2015). Adult Attachment Style And
Parenting. Attachment Theory and Research: New Directions and Emerging Themes , 234 .
