Conflicts are common in love relationships and often have serious effects on the nature of the relationships if not handled or dealt with effectively. Dr. John Gottman examines some of the notable types of conflict occurring within love relationships that often result in possibility of divorce, which he describes as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalyse” (Lisitsa, 2013). In each of these types of conflict, one of the key aspects to note is that the persons involved find themselves facing a wide array of challenges in seeking to build a positive relationship with their partners. Instead, the conflicts result in situations where these individuals drift further and further apart from their partners. The ultimate result of these types of conflicts is that the persons are much more likely to seek for a divorce due to their inability to build what can be described as a positive love relationship.
The four types of conflict that Gottman describes are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism arises from a situation where an individual tends to voice a complaint over his or her partner without due consideration of his or her views on the issue. Contempt results from signs of disrespect, sarcasm, and ridicule while defensiveness results from the inability for individuals to take responsibility for their actions. On the other hand, stonewalling results from a situation where one withdraws from an interaction and instead opts to stop responding regardless of the importance of the interaction in question. Hooper, Spann, McCray, & Kimberly (2017) support Dr. Gottman’s view on the four types of conflicts arguing that the occurrence of the four conflicts noted creates a situation where relationships often change significantly; thus, becoming unbearable for any of the parties involved.
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Personally, the two conflict styles that I believe have had an impact on my relationships are criticism and stonewalling. I often find myself criticizing specific aspects associated with my partner, which tends to have serious implications on the relationships that I have considering that it creates a situation where I engage in an act of comparing my partner to others. In some cases, I find myself criticizing my partner unconsciously, which also tends to have serious impacts on the outcomes of the relationship that I have created. Regarding stonewalling, it is a common occurrence for me to shut down when in an interaction or conversation with my partner, especially when dealing with matters that I feel do not favor me in any way. The outcome that this tends to have is that it pushes my partner towards anger considering that I often make it difficult to engage or interact effectively.
I would like to improve my communication and conflict styles in two major ways. Firstly, I would likely to come up with a well-structured approach through which to ensure that I learn the value of positive communication with my partner at all times. That means that I will need to focus much of my attention towards advancing communication by eliminating some of the actions that include stonewalling that would hamper my ability to communicate effectively. Secondly, I will also improve on my conflict style by appreciating my partner at all times regardless of the existing flaws. Instead of having to criticize my partner, I will always work towards ensuring that I communicate as a way of ensuring that I make my love relationship better at all times.
References
Hooper, A., Spann, C., McCray, T., & Kimberly, C. (2017). Revisiting the basics: Understanding potential demographic differences with John Gottman’s four horsemen and emotional flooding. The Family Journal , 25 (3), 224-229.
Lisitsa, E. (2013). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling . Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
