Losing a loved one is one of the most challenging experiences that a person can undergo. Few people have the mental and emotional strength to handle grief because it is not normal to anticipate that their loved one will die. The year 2017 was a difficult year for my family and me. It is during that year that rsobbers brutally murdered my brother. We were at home when news reached us that my brother's body was found lying in a pool of blood with his valuables gone. The police told us that they suspected that it was robbery incidence, and upon their investigation, it was confirmed that my dear brother dies at the hand of robbers. My brother and I had such a close relationship more than what that of brotherhood. To me, he was a father figure, motivator, and a confidante who I shared everything in my life. Upon receiving the news of his gruesome murder, and until now, I have never fully recovered. The period that followed his death was devastating one to me to the point of developing depression. I resulted in blaming everyone, including the rest of my family members. I still reel in devastation when I imagine the pain that he felt as he was being killed. Following the murder of my brother, I developed chronic grief which affected me emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Losing a dear family member, regardless of their death circumstances is a painful experience without a match. My brother's death is the most recent loss that we have had to deal with, and with all surety, we are far from overcoming the painful experience. However, I must acknowledge that people deal with loss differently family notwithstanding (Begley, 2019). Creating an intentional emotional support system was the approach we employed to handle the traumatizing grieving periods following one of o
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ur family members' death.
After receiving the troubling news, we had to avoid creating personal cocoons because doing so would prolong the grieving period. We occasionally discussed our brother's life, dreams, projects, and his likings amongst us. The people who can to commiserate with us often advised us to accept the loss and avoid disrupting the grieving process because taking that path would unnecessarily worsen the experience. These were people from local social groups who had knowledge and experience in helping grieving families. As a family, we allowed ourselves to experience all the emotions that accompany a loved one's death. Severally, one could feel anger, devastation, disorientation, and even denial. Although going through this process as a family had some positive impact on the family, I am yet to recover fully.
During the grieving period, I experienced some physical symptoms arising from the shocking news of the murder of my brother. Immediately upon hearing the news, I felt a sharp pain cross my heart. What followed was unexplainable numbness in my entire body as I tried to digest what I had just heard. As days progressed, memories could cross my mind causing my stomach to clench, sending a chill down my spine. Since my brother was murdered at night, I could not find sleep most of the night. I often lay on my bed, my mind racing and heart-thumping making my entire body electrified that affected my sleep patterns. Other nights, I felt drained that I always fell asleep the moment I entered my bed. However, I would wake up feeling tired the following day, forcing me to spend almost the whole day in bed. The physical reactions that I developed after my brother was murdered triggered a series of intense which adversely affected by emotional balance.
I have never regained the emotional balance I had before the death of my brother. Up to today, I still feel disconnected from the rest of the community, including my family, although we are all in good terms. Forgetting that I lost my brother is not conceivable. I always find myself buying an extra item like we used to treat each other. First, I denied that my brother was dead, and especially I found it difficult to accept that my brother was a victim of a robbery. Denial seemed to blunt the effect of the loss, and momentarily offered me respite. This feeling allowed me to process the devastating feelings more gradually. I experienced some bittersweet emotions, particularly when I remembered the times we shared with my brother and juxtaposing with a future without him. Ultimately, I came to accept that things will never be the same again. During these moments, I even contemplated committing suicide because I felt that I could reunite with him. However, the robust support system we had as a family was helpful, and I managed to persevere throughout the intense grieving period.
The last type of reaction that I had pertained the impact of death on my cognitive abilities. The first cognitive reaction was disbelief in that it could conjure images of my brother being butchered and crying for help. A day before his death, we had planned a lot of things that we would accomplish together. I had planned to surprise him by informing him of a project that I intended to undertake, and then his murder happened. Second, confusion struck my mind, and I started blaming my family. Other mental reactions included recurring dreams of my brother and I sharing, executing family tasks and visiting different places together. Although I have gradually resumed my normal functioning, I can say that I am far from getting over my brother's horrible death.
Since my brother's demise, we are now in the fourth year, but I still have his memories and news of his murder fresh in my mind. There are several types of griefs with the one that defines my situation being chronic grief. This type of grief persists with time and is experienced through feelings such as loneliness, hopelessness, and loss of meaning in the belief system ( Paun & Cothran, 2018 ). As mentioned above, my brother was my best friend and acted as a father figure to my siblings and me. I find myself being emotionally unstable such that thought of my brother can make to break down. I have found myself at the brink of depression, which continually affects my daily activities of living. I have had conversations with professional counselors who have always told me to accept that my brother is gone ( Sveen et al., 2018 ). I always feel that if I get to such a point, I will have betrayed my brother, who never left me to suffer when he was alive. He was ever by my side, and in case I needed anything, he would try everything possible to satisfy my needs. Nevertheless, I am currently investing in positive ways of handling my grief.
The best approach that I have learned and one which is helping handle my chronic grief is talking about the experience with people who matter to me. I always find it helpful to narrate my story and my relationship with my brother. This I do with my family members, friends, counsellors, and religious leaders. It is important to note that opening about something like losing a loved one is not easy. There must be a worthwhile connection between the person I am sharing with and me; otherwise, I will be forced to conceal a lot of information ( Sikstrom et al., 2019 ). The good thing is that I have a robust support system in my friends, schoolmates, and the counsellors who I have been visiting since 2017. I hope that with time, I will heal and have closure over my brother's death. However, I swore to myself that I would preserve the memories that I had with him. I have developed a habit of writing down memorable moments we had together and in extension with the rest of the family. I have preserved his photos, treasured items, and books that he loved to read.
Indeed, grieving a loved one has never been easy to a person. Regardless of how a family member dies, it leaves their kin deeply hurt, and for some, it can take years to overcome the pain. My life took a different turn when my brother was murdered in 2017. It was as if a significant part of me was murdered with him. Moreover, it has been the most challenging four years for my family, but we have managed to stick together and face the vacuum that he left in our life. His death manifested in my life emotionally, physically and cognitively, and the effect is evident even today. Those close to me were also hit hard by death, but through an intentional support service, most of us are relatively doing well. Nevertheless, due to the bond I had with my brother, I have not been able to have closure as I continue to grief his demise up to today. To counter this, I have begun sharing with my close acquittances, family members and professional counsellors. Also, I am religiously preserving the memories I had with my brother, such as keeping his items safely and writing down memorable events we had as a family.
References
Begley, M. (2019) Coping with Grief: 7 Things to Remember When Dealing with Loss . www.mskcc.org/news/coping-grief-7-things-remember-when-dealing-loss
Paun, O., & Cothran, F. (2018). Chronic grief management: a live-streaming video, group-based intervention for family caregivers of individuals with dementia in long-term care. Journal of psychosocial nursing and mental health services , 57 (1), 17-24.
Sikstrom, L., Saikaly, R., Ferguson, G., Mosher, P. J., Bonato, S., & Soklaridis, S. (2019). Being there: A scoping review of grief support training in medical education. PloS one , 14 (11), e0224325.
Sveen, J., Bergh Johannesson, K., Cernvall, M., & Arnberg, F. K. (2018). Trajectories of prolonged grief one to six years after a natural disaster. PloS one , 13 (12), e0209757.
