Unquestionably, most individuals are suffering from deep and intense human conflict and pain. Various crises cause pain and conflict in modern society, including divorces, fraud cases, job loss, and sexual assaults. These crises cause deep wounds and hurt of the soul and spirit, which can last for many years. However, forgiveness is one of the tools that can help heal these wounds and hurt. This paper desires to summarize the Four Stages of Forgiveness in a book titled "Helping a Neighbor in Crisis," written by Lampman. The paper will also describe the forgiveness journey of Lisa, one of the survivors at the Virginia Tech Shooting, using the stages of forgiveness in question.
A summary of the Four Stages of Forgiveness
Although forgiveness is an intensely painful process, it helps heal the wounds and hurts caused by crises. In Colossians 3:13, the bible encourages Christians to bear with each other and forgive one another when they have grievances. However, as Lampman (1999) demonstrates, forgiving is a process that has four stages, though they might not necessarily take any particular order.
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Feeling the pain is the first stage of forgiveness (Lampman, 1999). When something bad happens to you, it opens a wound in your soul and spirit that keeps hurting. Such pains may be caused by a family member, a close friend, or any other person around you. Since you are already feeling the pain, it means that the process has begun. Arguably, most individuals deny, shy away, or bury the pain they are experiencing. Similarly, other individuals project this pain to something or someone else. As a result, such individuals may take so long to heal. Accepting that the pain is there and embracing it is the first step towards healing.
Facing the hate is the second stage of forgiving. After accepting the pain and hurt, some individuals are unable to shake off its depth. Instead, they hold to it tightly, thus making a transition from anger to hate. Consequently, they develop a desire for the person who hurt them to suffer similar or more pain than themselves. As such, the person continues to endure the pain. Conversely, forgiving the offender, which is the third stage of forgiveness, is essential in releasing the pain in question. Lampman, (1999) defines the act of forgiving as an honest release of pain and emotions. As a result, forgiving comes with genuine pain, genuine hate, and honest judgment. Therefore, forgiving does not mean the forgiver has fully recovered. They might still have a desire for true justice, which might include holding the offender accountable for their wrong acts.
Freeing for reconciliation is the last step of forgiveness. True forgiveness begins when the offended party is comfortable to willingly recall their offers and feel the power of wishing them well (Lampman, 1999). However, the involved parties should not be pushed to reconcile. Some situations may not allow the reconciliation to take place between the offended party and their offender. But, in other cases, both parties might desire reconciliation. In such scenarios, it is easier for both parties to forgive each other and heal the wounds that might be hurting.
Lisa's incidence
The Virginia Tech shooting was one of the most deadly mass shootings in the US. On April 16, 2007, the massacre occurred when Seung-Hui Cho, a 23-year-old senior at Blacksburg-based Virginia Polytechnic Institute, started shooting people in the institution. This school shooting left 33 individuals dead and others, more than a dozen, wounded (Tikkanen, n.d). Lisa was one of the survivors of that massacre, but her boyfriend died. As a result, Lisa was depressed and had a lot of pain and hurt.
Unknowingly, Lisa had internalized her feelings, thus denying that she was suffering. As a result, her condition worsened, and she developed some mental illnesses. It is at this point that Lisa accepted that she was in pain. Consequently, she started looking for help from her close friends and family members. This step was vital for Lisa as it began her forgiving process.
However, despite accepting that she was suffering, Lisa was still reluctant to face the hate. Sweet memories of her boyfriend were ever in her mind. As a result, she was unable to move on. She spent most of her leisure time staring at her late boyfriend's pictures. Consequently, her hatred for Cho kept on increasing. Thus, she was unable to forgive him, preventing the healing process as a result. One day, after having talks with her doctor, Lisa decided to release her grudge against Cho. As such, her life started getting back to normal. She started interacting with other people during her free time. Subsequently, Lisa began to crate peace with herself and was able to forgive Cho for his actions. In her heart and mind, Lisa reconciled with Cho and healed completely from the pain. Currently, Lisa is married and a mother of two.
Conclusion
In modern society, most individuals are experiencing pain and hurt because of things that were done to them previously. However, such people need to go through Smedes's forgiveness process to create a room for healing. The first stage of the forgiving process is accepting the pain. Most people are stuck at this point. After admitting you are in pain, you need to face the hate and forgive your offender. As a result, it will be easier to heal from the pain and reconcile. After going through this process, Lisa was able to have her life back.
References
Lampman, L. (1999). Helping a neighbor in crisis. Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers.
The Bible, King James Version.
Tikkanen, A. (n.d). Virginia Tech shooting. Britannica. Retrieved from https://www.britannica.com/event/Virginia-Tech-shooting
