Story one
The central message in the story is planning and having fun through a road trip, and nature walks between lovers. Furthermore, the story explains a journey that a couple takes to Cal Poly to meet friends and relatives who will take part in judging the relationship that Kevin has with his new girlfriend. It will be the first time that Kevin’s girlfriend meets his brothers.
The story has background information. The author spends time explaining how she woke up, the planning such as how to dress, and pairs of clothes that she had packed. Furthermore, the author gives detailed information about the journey on the road for five hours. It deviates from the main message, which was to meet Kevin and his 40 brothers in the spring formal event.
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The parts of the story that can be cut out include the first section where the author gives details about waking up and deciding on what to wear for the event. The reason why it should be cut is that it provides unnecessary information without focusing on the main event.
On the other hand, the parts of the story that needs to be expanded on are the discussions on the Spring Festival event and the role it plays among couples. Further, the author should also expand on Kevin by explaining his reaction during and after the event. The focus will help the audience pay more attention to the message in the story.
The author could incorporate dialogue in the story by expanding on the festival and inquiring more about the festival. An example is when they are on the journey to Cal Poly; the author could incorporate dialogue to break the monotony in storytelling.
The greatest strength of the paper is the explanation of events from a chronological point of view. The author narrates the processes without mixing ideas, and there is a flow of the information. The story also uses simple language, which makes it easy to connect with the audience. The conclusion part of the story should be improved by having the author detail the feelings about the festival and determine whether it was successful or had any challenges.
The writing is clear and active. There is an explanation of the events and how they unfold hence making it productive writing. The paper could benefit from rewriting in the section where the couple is done with the event. The author can provide details about the aftermath of the event and even feature on any limitations that they faced in the process.
The organization of the paper makes sense. There is an explanation of all the events and preparations that were taken into consideration throughout the event. The organizational problem in the story is on the topic sentences as they were not clear. The author needs to work on the topic sentences.
The essay does not suffer from tenses problem. The author uses appropriate tenses without any mix-up. It makes it easy for the audience to understand the story.
Additional comments in the story should be on the revision of the main points and prioritize sections that are being discussed. The focus should be on the main event more than preparations before the event.
Story number two
The main message in the story is about motherhood. The author focuses on explaining the relationship that she has with his firstborn son, Baby Alex.
The story has detailed background information. An example is in the first two paragraphs. The author explains how baby Alex will be turning two years old and the joy she gets snuggling up with baby Alex. However, the plot shifts, and the author starts explaining the first weeks after giving birth. The author describes the challenges and pains during the process hence the detailed background information.
The part of the story that can be cut is on the section that explains the commotion that took place during the caesarian section. The chapter gives more details about the birth of the child as opposed to the challenges that the mother faced after birth.
The parts of the story that should be expanded on are the sections that explain the challenges that the author and his boyfriend had concerning the baby. The story should also explain the actions taken, such as whether baby Alex was moved to his room or not.
The author could incorporate dialogue into the story. She could use discussion to show a conversation that took place with her boyfriend about Baby Alex and moving him to another room. The author is using sensory details when talking about the challenges she faced in the first weeks after birth.
The greatest strengths of the paper include proper grammar and a detailed explanation of different events by the author. The author should improve on the conclusion and introduction parts of the story.
The writing is persuasive, as there are detailed sections and events discussed by the author. The introduction section could benefit from rewriting as it will attract the attention of the audience.
The organization of the paper makes sense. The topic sentences are clear. The only problem is the balancing of paragraphs that should be addressed by the author.
The essay has active tenses with no challenges in tense shifts. The author uses appropriate tenses to make it easy for the audience to understand the details of the story and have images while reading the story.
Additional comments for the paper would be to include dialogues where necessary. The author should also address grammar issues and have a subject-verb agreement in her sentences.
