James C. Petersen, in his book “Why Don’t We Listen Better?” demonstrates his long-term experience as a professional counselor and pastor on the topic of communication and connecting in our relationships. Worth pointing out is that this book’s target audience is not the clergy, but the human experience in its entirety. His major focus is not on all the building blocks that make up an effective communication process, but on one’s ability to listen more comprehensively as they go about their day to day activities. Effective listening will then aid an individual in acquiring the capacity to respond from a well-informed position, thereby enhancing inter-personal relationships (Panda, 2019) . Most of us, to say the least, are not keen on listening. Rather than concentrating on what the other party is saying, we pay attention to our thoughts, consequently disrupting the whole process of communication.
Response
A study of Petersen’s text on communication has helped me uncover my strengths and weaknesses in communication. As I delved deeper into the book, I gained more and more understanding on what effective communication entails, and better realized my past pitfalls when engaging in conversations with other parties. I discovered my pre-judgmental attitude when discussing or arguing with my peers, and that I would normally give feedback or responses even before patiently waiting for other persons to go the whole length in giving their accounts. The Native America’s “Talking Stick” tradition, an idea that has been put forward by Petersen in his book, is interestingly educative. In this, an individual holds the talking stick while the rest of the people wait and keenly listen to them. This simple act demonstrates their respect for the individual holding the stick as well as respect for the time that they have dedicated (page 231). Therefore, use of a talking stick carefully weighs and balances between talking and listening to avoid bias that may arise in giving feedback. Through this, if the talker feels that they need to clarify their points, they are given a chance to do so. This makes it easy for the group to effectively discuss their opinions. In describing the various options in communication, Petersen comes up with the concept of the “Flat-Brain” theory. He asserts that there is a three-level occurrence of communication-the brain, the stomach and the heart. In this, the stomach denotes emotions and feelings, the heart represents personal responsibility and the level of one’s relationship with others while the head signifies logical functioning. He then goes ahead to describe the Flat-Brain Syndrome as a dysfunctional relationship of the three components. He categorically observes that the stomach is one body organ where a number of emotions are felt, and goes further to describe the various kinds of communication. For instance, in situations whereby the stomach is abound with emotions, the heart loses its ability to decide which rational reactions to take up, consequently rendering the brain flat and inefficient (Bays, 2019) . This concept was particularly enlightening to me, providing insight that in order to deal with this destructive cycle of communication, one needs to drop the winning mentality before initiating the process of talking and listening. A disruption in the smooth flow of this triad will most certainly result in one spewing hurtful words which then target and land in the recipient’s stomach. The recipient, in their defenses, will engage in retaliation, creating an even more vicious cycle. These are just some of the traps in communication that I, in my interactions with my colleagues, seniors and subordinates, have now been able to relate to. I have come to appreciate the fact that at times, I do not give other persons enough time to explain themselves before coming up with assumptions and conclusions. Other times, I have let my emotions cloud my perception of people and events, eventually leading to poor making of decisions and straining my relationship with others.
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Critique
One of the most crucial contributions to communication derived from this book is the use of the “Talker-Listener Card” in the “Talker-Listener Process.” Petersen explains that the card helps in identifying the individual who is talking and that who is listening. The card encourages the talker to be responsible enough in the process and the listener to pay undivided attention. It also identifies the goals and objectives of both sides. The talker should strive to share their feelings, thoughts and perceptions. On the contrary, the listener offers an understanding and receptive environment, one that allows both of them to seek clarification. Furthermore, the card functions as a warning tool. The talker is warned against making unsubstantiated accusations, attacks and judgments while the listener is warned against advising, defending, prematurely arriving at agreements or disagreements. The author then, in a brief explanation, advises on when the two parties should take turns talking and listening. Another important contribution is demonstrated in the way Petersen establishes his listening techniques. He begins by focusing on the various pitfalls and traps in communication. These comprise ritualistic listening, “yes-butting,” intentionally asking questions that point an accusing finger as well as disguising questions as just mere remarks or statements. Going further on, he illustrates a number of techniques that can be employed in listening. These include proper rapport building ways, devices useful in creating emotional connection, feelings of empathy, an analysis of costs and benefits and questions which are focused on finding solutions. Special occasions and circumstances are addressed whereby Petersen explains on how to be attentive and keenly listen when experiencing persistent anger, in suicidal situations and even during dull story-telling (Petersen, 2015) . Such contributions have proved beneficial in our daily engagements. They have been helpful and continue to work for counsellors, church programs, couples and even business relationships.
Some of the concepts in Petersen’s text haven’t been sufficiently established and developed, and thus may need to be explored further. One of the questions that arise is whether it is justifiable to exclude the incorporation of practical applications into religious teachings. Peterson, for example, advises on not defending yourself when faced with criticism. He, however, fails to give an explanation on how one can eliminate or do away with the habit of defensiveness.
Petersen, in his resolve to teach and ensure effective communication, comes up with three constructs- “Options in Communicating”, “The Talker-Listener Process” and “The Listening Techniques.” These three are related to the way John Stewart, in his book “Bridges not Walls”, demonstrates how interpersonal communication should be effected. Both agree that communication should intend to make meaning, and that no single party controls the various events in communication. Moreover, no single party should receive blame for adverse outcomes of communication. Both of the authors also agree that effective listening is founded on mindfulness and empathy. One can build good relationships with others by being open with them (Stewart, 2012) . The same can also be observed in France & Weikel’s “Helping Skills for Human Service Workers.” In this, Frank and Weikel highlight the five ways persons can use to respond, how to create positive interpersonal relationships and ways of solving problems. They emphasize on sympathy and reassurance as ways of enhancing relationships (Kenneth France, 2006) . In the first concept of options in communicating, Petersen makes it known that control of self plays a vital role in ensuring smooth communication. The triadic formula offers individuals with an opportunity to decide the direction that the process of communication will take. The Talker-Listener Process is straight-forward, easy to comprehend and follow. Both the talker and the listener are made aware of their roles in ensuring effective dissemination of communication and provision of feedback. In “The Listening Techniques”, the author draws his idea of strengths in communication by laying bare the various traps that might hinder good communication. He makes it clear that the listener should not be biased and should be attentive even in the most difficult of situations.
Application
Petersen’s work has opened up my mind on how I can ensure effective communication as well as build meaningful relationships with other people. I now understand that the modern win or lose culture is not good in communication, and that the other party will at most times end up feeling aggrieved. Given the information acquired from my reading, I have come to the realization that I am not a patient listener, and that having sincere interest in what other people are saying is just one of the qualities that I will need to build on. Since emotions, our thought processes as well as our personal responsibility towards and relations with other people work hand in hand in determining the outcomes in communication, one of the changes I have to make will be engaging in discussions without having prior perceptions and judgments concerning the other party. Moreover, I will strive to ensure that emotions do not take the better part of me in my dealings and engagements with colleagues, seniors or even my juniors. This will be made possible with the realization that communication, especially listening, is a rather complicated skill that is rare. Acquiring it demands that an individual should reflect and appreciate their weaknesses.
Another strategy that I will employ in realizing better and healthier relationships will be by embracing usage of the Talker-Listener card. This, I have discovered, is easy to manage, portable and is designed in a way that has the enormous capacity of turning around an ugly argument into a focused and meaningful argument. It is now crystal clear that the card has an advantage of helping people relax, carefully think and analyze situations and empathize with other people. The card has also made it clear that every communication process has targets and goals. This has enlightened me such that I now can comfortably understand that the talker is tasked with the goal of sharing their thoughts as the listener provides a warm and receptive environment. The talker should not engage the listener in a tone that might sound rude, or with derogatory statements. Moreover, I now acknowledge the fact that communication is all about taking turns and that all should endeavor to give ample time to those they engage in conversations with.
Finally, improving my interpersonal communication will entail avoiding the many communication traps that hinder effective person to person communication and relations. The pitfalls, mentioned above, can be avoided by practicing the listening techniques illustrated in the author’s work. Being thoughtful and feeling empathetic is just one of them, and proper and careful inquiries coupled with good skills of building a rapport also play a central role in this process.
References
Bays, F. C. (2019). Review of "Why Don't We Listen Better?" By James C. Petersen.
Kenneth France, K. W. (2006). Helping Skills for Human Service Workers: Building Relationships and Encouraging Productive Change. Charles C Thomas Publisher.
Panda, I. (2019, December 16). Practical Book Review: "Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships" .
Petersen, J. C. (2015). Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. Bookbaby.
Stewart, J. (2012). Bridges Not Walls: A Book About Interpersonal Communication. Mc-Graw Hill.
