Entering into a relationship can sometimes be challenging in that as human beings, we often do this with some expectations set on mind. As with me, I recently did something so radical in that I entered into a relationship with the intention that I would extend love and consciously set the goal of peace. Although my expectation when entering the relationship was to experience more peace than I ever had in any relationship, it was with this intention that we decided to end things up. However, in between this, I felt deeply connected, heard and loved. As I looked back and compared my previous relationships with the one I had, I noticed that unlike the other relationships that seemed to pull me deeper into fear, this one accomplished the complete opposite in that it released me from fear.
However as I took time to reflect on my actions, I realized what I did differently came in three forms of miracle-minded questions that I had asked myself even before I entered into the relationship. These questions which included the purpose of the relationship, the limits and the beliefs that were blocking me from authentically connecting and the focus on the content of the relationship helped me in stepping away from fearful relationships based on getting and filling my perceived voids. They helped me to step into a love-based relationship that was built on extending the love and completeness that I found within myself. As Lloyd Strom states, "Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions."
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The sixth stage of Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial developments which focuses on intimacy and Isolation takes place during young adulthood between the ages of 19 to 40 (Cherry & Gans, 2017) . At this time, significant conflict that arises among individuals often centers on intimate, loving relationships with other people. Erikson’s theory states that at each point in any person’s life, they face developmental conflicts that must be resolved. Individuals who overcome these conflicts will have the ability to attain psychological skills that will last for the rest of their lives (Cherry & Gans, 2017) . Contrary to this, those who fail to master these challenges will struggle for the rest of their lives.
The stage of intimacy and isolation is vital for people to develop close, committed relationships with each other as these emotionally intimate relationships play a critical role in this stage (Fieldman, 2018) . Although this relationship emphasizes closeness, honesty, and love, it is imperative that close friendships be maintained (Cherry & Gans, 2017) . For one to be successful in resolving conflicts, they must develop deep, meaningful relationships with others in that, success brings about strong relationships while failure, on the other hand, results in loneliness. As adults we often struggle with poor romantic relationships. Thus, we might never share deep intimacy with our partners and even end up struggling when it comes to developing any relationships at all (Cherry & Gans, 2017) . As we struggle to form an intimate relationship with others, we are often left feeling lonely and isolated.
Although when I entered the relationship, I intended to extend love and continuously set the goal of peace, I wanted the attention of my partner to prove that I was lovable. On my mind, I wanted to get more than I wanted to extend as I was motivated by my ego fears and desires to fill my perceived voids. However, by remembering my goal of peace, I was able to act accordingly. This goal allowed us to move forward together instead of working against each other. It connected us as a couple and gave us something to focus on and thus enabled us to build a meaningful relationship.
To get to the intimacy and isolation stage, one must get past through a series of five steps that help shape who we become as a person (Fieldman, 2018) . These first five stages test our strengths and weaknesses and determine how we deal with our fears and insecurities. As with my case, I wanted to experience peace and extend love, something I had wanted for a long time because I had an underlying fear associated with getting them. I wanted to experience a deep loving relationship that hadn't shown up yet because deep down I was scared of falling in love. The reason for this was because I decided then that being in love would make me weak and vulnerable, and the more I pondered on it, I began to believe that I wasn't good enough to be loved. In my opinion, I thought I wasn't skinny enough, not funny enough and deep down I was scared that the person I was getting involved with would find that out too. However, to try and develop the relationship I had, I often told myself that "I hear your fear, but I’m not going to let you determine my actions right now.” This gave me a feeling of instant power that helped me overcome my fears and thus focus on building a meaningful relationship.
Moreover, at the time I was entering into the relationship, I was sucked in because the frame was looking good. I did not pay any attention to the content of the relationship (the mind). However, with time, I realized I had to place all my focus on the material and not the frame so that I could release my expectations and allow myself to experience the peace and love in ways that I might not have thought possible. The structure of the relationship shifted and changed, and a lasting, fulfilling connection started and ended with the content. I did no labels and placed no cloths around it, and as I lost myself and remembered myself, I became a spiritual perspective, a reflection of everyone on me and finally grasped the fundamental teachings that come with relationships.
Lifespan development emphasizes the experiences that we undergo from our childhood to late adulthood. How this experiences shape us as individuals and what we learn from them (Berk, 2007) . The growth and changes that we undergo continue throughout our lives and these experiences continue to have an influe nce on who we are and how we relate to others as people. We, therefore, recognize full adulthood as a dynamic period of life which is marked by cognitive, social and psychological development (Berk, 2007) . By studying and under standing lifespan development, I was able to contemplate and overcome the issues and challenges that came with entering and trying to make a relationship meaningful.
By understanding that as human beings we have to go through series of self-doubt and challenge to finally discover who we are, I was able to work on my weaknesses and insecurities and developed them into something meaningful. I came to understand that dwelling on things that weighed me down and prevented me from achieving what I wanted as a person only did more harm than good to me. As a person, I came to understand that the challenges we face and the choices we make shape us and helps us develop psychologically and socially.
References
Berk, E. L. (2007). Development through the Lifespan. Pp. 1-43.
Cherry, K., & Gans, S. (2017, November 20). Intimacy vs. Isolation: Psychosocial Stage 6. Retrieved 2018, from Very well Mind: https://www.verywellmind.com/intimacy-versus-isolation-2795739
Fieldman, O. P. (2018). Psychosocial Development in Young Adulthood. In Human Development (9th Edition ed.).
