Writing this from the safety of my home, I feel a need to express myself- a need to explore a channel through which I can make sense of the feeling and emotions that I have grappled with over the last few weeks. The spread of Covid-19 pandemic across the world has affected different people across the world in different ways. With the rising panic and increasing need for measures such as social distancing, I find myself struggling even more with daily tasks. As a 34-year-old woman diagnosed with a panic disorder, managing my elevated anxiety is one of the challenges I have to deal with at this time.
There are a few things I believe that you should know regarding my disorder. I am an adventurous individual who, on a daily basis, feels like I’m trapped in a cocoon of fear. At times, I am overwhelmed with frustration because I often feel my quality of life or ability to live is restricted by this fear. I want to be fully engaged and fun all the time, yet I can't help feeling nervous. It's not anyone's fault, and it is just how I function. I am only completely free with other people when I spend a considerable amount of time with them, and even then, at times, this doesn't work. On the other hand, with other people, this works all the time. A significant portion of my struggle occurs from within, as most of my thoughts spiral around in my head whether I want to or not.
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Trying to keep my three year-old-son safe during these difficult times feels like an uphill battle. I knew even before pregnancy that after childbirth, my panic disorder would be relative to the condition of my child. Before the pandemic, after several years of sometimes daily panic attacks, they had mostly abated. However, with the recent pandemic, I've found myself regularly grappling the kitchen counter, trying to fight off the wave of fear that suddenly takes over me at 3 a.m. There isn't much to do while holed up in my home with my son for the entire day. Unfortunately, while I get to spend more time with my son, this means that I have more time to deal with the sense of impending doom when my thoughts trail off to his health during this medical crisis. I regularly call my ex-husband now, seeking reassurance that our son is fine, and everything will be fine. Hiding my panic attacks around my son is probably one of the most challenging aspects of the need to stay at home. For me, panic attacks feel like sensations I have to fight off or die. I get nauseous and lightheaded and hyperventilate, which makes my cheeks and fingers tingly. My extremities get cold. However, the worst aspect of this is the fear that comes with it. Coupled with the large dose of adrenaline, I feel like what I’m going through is a matter of life and death.
At first, scrolling through my Twitter feed and catching up on the day's news felt like things would soon be under control. However, the weight of my news binges caught up to me- quickly. I settled into my chair and toggled through my social media applications, a physical jolt of fear lurched through me. The number of people diagnosed with the virus increases with every new day, and the President and department of health were hosting wild press conferences, sounding more authoritarian with every turn. This would leave me with an intense headache and crushing into my son's room to clutch my baby against me.
I can't stop myself from playing out various scenarios- in which my town would be completely locked down, and I couldn't go out, not even for grocery shopping when we run out of food. These scenarios would play out repeatedly in my head, imagining the things I would need to quickly grab for my son, or wondering how I could fortify my house and reduce the risk of any of us getting infected. In a particularly desperate moment, I called my ex-husband to ask whether he wouldn’t mind seeing our son for two months, just to ensure that we were completely sealed off from any risk of infection. Because I live only a mile and a half from the local hospital, these fears felt real, even urgent at the time.
Before the crisis, I was focused on advancing myself educationally by getting a master’s degree. However, I now have to attend online classes. For me, clicking on the class each time makes me feel like I’m fighting for control. A flurry of questions flood my mind; should I be spending time with my son instead of going through the lesson? I'm I wasting time on this class instead of coming up with a proper plan on how I can keep my son and me safe from this pandemic? I’m I focusing on the wrong thing? I now find myself regularly postponing attending my classes. The assignments and tasks I have to complete make me feel like my walls of safety are caving in on me. In the last week, I almost missed three deadlines on course assignments I was supposed to complete. My online class sessions are now associated with dizziness and a stubborn headache.
I come from an extensive family of worriers, who don't just panic but stay up for extended stretches of the night, stiff and unsteady. Growing up, I was surrounded by family members who had experience with cycling through minor fears such as cavities or future long drives. These were individuals that fit into the framework of classic anxious individuals. Coming from this background, it goes without saying that I benefit from extensive support from my family during my panic. My parents, in particular, are a pillar of constant strength for me. What helps me is the calmness and acceptance that I get from them. There is no attempt to dispel my worries with a rational or logical argument and helping me feel like I have control over my fears.
Growing up, I'd experience repeated attacks in public situations and spaces. This significantly affected how I could relate to those around me. However, once I was diagnosed by a medical professional, my parents and siblings were completely committed to making me comfortable and cope with my condition. This included receiving psychiatry lessons on how they could support me, and watching several videos on the methods that they could use to help me calm down. For me, this level of support as an adult has translated into my ability to regularly call any of my family members whenever I need help. In this crisis, this means that I'm constantly on the phone with my mother, father, or sister talking about one issue or the other that ignites my fears.
Coming from a Portuguese family, I always had a large family around me. I come from a culture that prioritizes communal living and familial caring. This means I constantly feel surrounded by warmth and love or annoyance that one of my family members is in my businesses. On the other hand, I also hail from a culture that avoids conversations about mental health and does not take mental conditions seriously. While my immediate nuclear family fully embraced my diagnosis and came up with approaches on how they would help, the larger part of my family was not as proactive. Over the years, I have had to listen to aunts, uncles, and cousins as they tried to convince me that my disorder was just part of my imagination. This included a variety of recommendations, such as 'just take a vacation,' that they believed would make me less of a 'worrier.'
I not only experience this type of stigma from my family but also from friends, colleagues, and even strangers. Five days ago, while in the supermarket, I had to hold on to a shelf when I felt suddenly nauseous. While trying to control my breathing and force down the growing sense of panic within me, I could notice people around me staring. While this is not typical for many people, it is a reality that I have constantly had to deal with. In fact, having panic attacks in public is usually coupled with cases of ridicule from friends or colleagues, who view my attacks as an overreaction to some of my fears.
Having a panic attack is difficult enough without being ridiculed. I am sure that people wouldn't find it funny if they were the one whose entire bodies were covered in fear. All I need for the people around me to understand is that I am not using my panic attacks as a way I also do not want to be a burden on those around me or affect their lives negatively. The knowledge that I sometimes do only enhances the misery of this condition. What I really need from my friends and family is for them to let me seek comfort in them when I need to, and to listen to my concerns while assuring me that I will be okay and do not have to be afraid, even though it's only the hundredth time. I want to be free and without fear and have control over the things around me, but I can't.
What most people do not realize is that panic disorders are typically genetic with a chemical relation. They may also be as a result of traumatic events. Before identifying the actual condition they are suffering from, a majority of individuals suffering from panic disorders have to experience terrible panic episodes before they can actually get help. It's difficult to comprehend when it actually occurs, unless you have someone informed around you.
It can be difficult to define to someone the struggle associated with living with a panic disorder while also working at the same time. Working with individuals that struggle from substance use disorders, I constantly come into contact with people that share some of the anxieties I have. While I love working with the people around me, my work at times acts as a significant source of my panic. Getting ready for a meeting with clients is usually accompanied by feelings of despair and fear. At times while driving to work, I typically feel desperate to go back home, to rush back to the safety of my four walls. Recently, my panic originates from trying to figure out how to help the people I work with during this crisis. As someone struggling with this disorder, I have an understanding of the increased difficulty associated with typical daily activities during this crisis. Hence, I am struggling with a sense of impending doom and increasing concern on how to help my clients during this difficult period.
Since my diagnosis, psychotherapy has acted as the best form of treatment for my disorder. In particular, since I was 16, I have been exposed to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which has been considerable in helping to treat my panic disorder. One of the main objectives of CBT is the development of coping skills by shifting negative thinking patterns and unhealthy behaviors. For me, this mainly involves the use of relaxation techniques to calm myself whenever I'm feeling afraid or nervous. I mainly focus on deep breathing exercises that are focused on helping me to breathe slowly and deeply. These techniques usually leave me feeling energized and refreshed while also clearing my mind. This was not always the case, as, upon diagnosis, my doctor prescribed anti-depressants. I was taking venlafaxine and later switched to Xanax. However, these medications often left me feeling drowsy, dizzy, and uncoordinated. As this significantly affected my school work at the time, I then started on CBT.
I am sure that some of the anxieties I have were also experienced by individuals without a preceding diagnosis. On the other hand, I am sure that my anxiety has taken on a life of its own. Panic disorder, like most anxiety-related issues, is highly individualistic. When an attack occurs, the rest of life recedes into the background. The most urgent needs become essential for survival. Of course, your life is not in any danger at the time, but with your brain quickening to a speedy pulse, and your skin flushing hot and cold, it feels like death is just right behind you. For me, tending to my anxiety at this time of crisis has become an act of preservation, not just for me, but for both of us.
