Family therapists are interested in the institution of marriage and family. Marriages create the family, and family is the fundamental institution in the society. The definition of family has evolved over the years. The traditional family made up of a father, a mother and a child living together is no longer a reality for most families. Single parent families or same-sex families have deviated from the conventional model of family. Additionally, with the increasing cases of divorce, the family dynamic has changed further. Parents now engage in co-parenting more than ever because they could not make it as a married couple. The purpose of this research paper is to apply the principles of the family systems theory on marital problems and divorce, with the aim of improving relationships between married couples or divorcees to create a healthy family dynamic for the children.
Background
The divorce rate in America has increased drastically in the past few decades such that divorce is the norm. Nearly half of the marriages end in divorce, and family therapists are wondering how to address the situation. According to the Centers for Disease and Control (2017) Statistics, there were 827,261 in 2016 and 2,245,404 marriages in the same year. The CDC statistics on marriage and divorce show that divorce rates continue to rise.
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Kanzler et al. (2011) state that divorce was not always the norm for American families. The government stated recording divorce rates in the US since the 1960s, and the average divorce rate in the 1960s was at 9.2%. However, the relaxed divorce laws in the 1970s increased the divorce rates. The sexual revolution and the rise of feminism also increased the divorce rates as women were no longer obligated to stay in unsatisfying or abusive marriages. The divorce rates rose to 22.6% in the 1980s. There are disparities on the problem of divorce, and since the 1980s, college graduates have seen the rate of divorce grow by 30%, while it has increased by only 6% for married people without college degrees. Divorce is also higher among lower SES groups in comparison to the wealthy. With the high rates of divorce, family therapists are struggling on how to save the institution of marriage. Family therapists use a host of strategies to address the family problems. Some of the strategies are anchored in the principles of family systems theory.
Literature Review
According to Schindler & Coley (2012) marriages have undergone drastic changes since the 1960s. In the 1960s, the average age of a woman’s first marriage was 20.3 years, and 22.8 years for men. In 2010, the median age for the first marriage was 25.8years for women and 28.3 for men. The birth rate has also declined, and 41% of births in 2009 were to unmarried women. In the 1970s, 84% of children lived with their married biological parents while in 2009, only 29% of children lived with their married biological parents. More than 50% of children live with their single mothers (Saltzman et al., 2018). A high percentage of divorced adults marry, bringing new people into their children’s’ lives.
Schindler & Coley (2012) posit that the precipitating causes of divorce have changed over time. Before the changes in the divorce laws, getting a divorce was difficult and expensive such that divorce was the last option. The introduction of the no-fault divorce laws, divorce became an easy option for couples that would not have considered divorce in the past. Couples now divorce even without an extended period of marital conflict because they do not want to work on their marriages. Before the 1970s, divorce was granted when someone was at fault, and in most cases, it was caused by adultery. The no-fault laws granted a divorce for couples or an individual who no longer wanted to be in the marriage.
According to Perin et al. (2013) divorce is damaging to families, children and the society as a whole. There are many negative consequences of divorce, but not all children similarly experience divorce. Divorce diminishes a child’s future competence in all areas of life, including relationships, emotional, and financial stability. Perin et al. (2013) references a study conducted in the UK which concluded that children are at risk for various adverse outcomes after a family breakdown. An extensive meta-analysis study done in 1991 reported and another one done in 2001 found out that the children from divorced families have significantly low scores on academic achievement, conduct, psychological adjustment, self concept and social relations.
Divorce affects the wellbeing of the family/children starting with the fact that children will lose time with their parents. Before the divorce children are used to spending time with both parents, but the family dynamic changes and children have to spend time with each parent. Children spend more time with the custodial parent, and in most cases, their mothers and they lose more time with their fathers (Odom et al., 2010). Divorce also jeopardizes the economic security of the child. Women lose 25 to 50% of the pre-divorce income; consequently, mothers spend more time working to provide for the children such that they have no time to interact and form strong relationships with their children.
Divorce also weakens the emotional relationship between the children and the parents. Divorced mothers are less likely to provide their children with the necessary emotional support, whereas fathers tend to spend less time with their children (Baker & Eichler, 2016). Children find it hard to trust their parents; especially the parents who they feel are the reason for the divorce. Children also lose touch with the extended family; particularly the extended family of noncustodial parent and this reduces the child’s social support (Polak & Saini, 2015). One of the most significant side effects of divorce is that a child experiences decreased social and psychological maturation. According to Petrin et al. (2013), college students from divorced homes are more likely to experience verbal aggression and violence with their partners during conflicts. Children from divorced families have low scores on self-concept and social relations, and most of them battle with anxiety and depression after the divorce
The goal of family therapists is to address serious problems within marriage such as marital problems or child-parent problems that can cause divorce. Marriage and family therapy is effective, and in some cases, it has solved marital problems in marriages that were headed for divorce. Marriage and family therapists assess the marriage to come up with the best course of treatment to meet the unique needs of the couple. While family therapy does not have the answers to all marital problems, it equips couple with skills to address their issues.
Theory
The family systems theory holds that a family is an emotional unit. Individuals in a family use systems thinking to describe complex interactions within the unit, and they are intensely connected. According to Palombi (2016), family systems theory incorporates a series of complex relationships between family members, including individual, dyadic, triadic and whole system relationships. Even in a family situation where family members are not close, family members still affect each other’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. Family members solicit approval, attention, and support of other members, and they react to each other. Connectedness and reactivity make the family system function. A change in a family member’s functioning is often followed by reciprocal changes in the functioning of other members.
According to the family systems theory the emotional interdependence promotes cohesiveness and cooperation among family members (Yektatalab et al., 2017). When there is heightened tension in the family, the emotional connectedness becomes more stressful than comforting until one family member feels overwhelmed or out of control. Due to the nature of relationships within the family system, stressful events that affect one family member can affect all the members of the family and change the entire family dynamic. For example, a divorce is one of the most stressful events a couple goes through, and it affects the entire family as children get caught up in the process.
Assessment and Treatment
Various studies show the adverse effects of divorce on the family and the wellbeing of the children. Children do not fully recover from divorce, and they struggle with some of the consequences of divorce into their adulthood. Given the tremendous cost of divorce, it is the responsibility of family therapists to help families work through their problems to decrease the likelihood of divorce (Saltzman et al., 2018). Evidence shows that marital and family counseling improves communication and problem-solving skills among family members increasing marital satisfaction.
The eight principles of the family systems theory can be used to understand marriage with the hope of solving marital problems. The first concept is the differentiation of self, which refers to the manner in which a person separates thoughts and feelings and responds to anxiety while pursuing personal goals. Individuals with high levels of differentiation maintain individuality while maintaining emotional contact with the group, whereas individuals with low levels of differentiation get attached easily, and they seek validation from others. In a marriage, the partner with low levels of differentiation will seek validation from the other partner, and when the partner does not provide it, he/she is frustrated with the marriage (Caldwell & Claxton, 2010). The second concept is the emotional triangle which represents the stable network of human relationship system. In a marriage, the couple is in a two-person dyad, but when children are in the picture, the family dynamic changes to a three-person system. Many triangles exist within the family as children are triangulated in the parent’s relationship. The emotional triangles often lead to conflicts as parents transmit their anxiety and relationship problems to the child.
The concept of the emotional cutoff happens when a person decides to manage emotional difficulties or concerns within the family by distancing themselves from other family members. By cutting emotional connections, the partner attempts to reduce tension and stress in the relationship caused by the unresolved issues (Caldwell & Claxton, 2010). Emotional cutoff only makes the situation worse as one feels isolated, and it often leads to divorce. According to the family systems theory, the main courses of problems in the nuclear family intimate partner conflict, problematic behaviors, emotional distance and impaired functionality in children. Anxiety leads to fights, arguments, criticism and emotional distance. Couples get caught up in the cycle of negative relationship patterns such that it becomes hard to get back to the loving place where they started.
Family Systems Theory in Couples Counseling With Examples from Clinical Practice
Dr. Bowen’s family system theory state that there are predictable patterns in a relationship network that fall within the eight concepts of the theory. Couple difficulties start in the form of a conflict-distance cycle, over/under functioning reciprocity and the pattern of projection. When applying the family systems theory, family therapists understand that couples are struggling with problems arising from regular and predictable patterns of dealing with challenges within the marriage. Young marriages are intense, and young couple tends to have low differentiation of self. Being attached gives rise to automatic and instinctual adaptations, and when the pattern changes, the couple struggle to find a balance.
During my clinical practice, Justin and Vivian* came for couple counseling complaining of communication problems. I asked them questions to assess the problem, and they spoke over each other. Justin accused Vivian of nagging and going on and on about issues, while Vivian accused Justin of not listening to her. The conversation escalated as they made accusations and defended themselves. I managed to divert their attention by asking them to describe a recent fight. The couple described a recent incident where they argued over dinner about house chores. After the argument, the couple avoids each other for days because they do not want to argue. Justin and Vivian wanted to re-connect and to go back to their old happy days where they did not have to fight about everything. Justin and Vivian have a three-year-old son, and they feel that their constant fight is affecting the child.
The pattern of conflict between Justin and Vivian is the over and under-functioning pattern. The family systems theory describes the concept of ‘emotional fusion’ which happens when two people get married or are in a serious relationship. The emotional fusion is reduced anxiety and insecurity in the short term, but it results in constant reactive interactions which put the marriage in a precarious state.
The concept of individuality and togetherness is evident in the relationship between Justin and Vivian. According to Bowen (1978), human beings need closeness, but they do not need too much closeness. In a moment of calm, closeness is a good thing that brings together two friendly forces. The concept of closeness is a sensitive issue, and when there are stress and anxiety, the couple struggles to find a new balance. Justin and Vivian were extremely close, but as the family grew, the connection turned into a conflict and distance cycle. Conflict is a reaction to a threat of discord, and the distance is a way of maintaining the sense of independence.
Fusion is the emotional oneness between family members. Fusion can be measured by the degree in which one invests into the relationship. Vivian and Justin were at each other’s throat, but it was a sign of fusion. The couple could not deny their love, but they felt the need to change because their dynamic was a threat to the family. A family counselor should understand the reactive behavioral patterns aimed at controlling the fusion. Both Vivian and Justin trigger certain reactions from each other. Vivian complains that Justin does not pay attention before they get into a heated argument. The couple needs to find a way of tolerating the pull of the fusion. For example, when Vivian accuses Justin of not listening, Justin should try understanding her instead of bringing up her mistakes which escalate the situation.
Bowen (1978) suggests that the goal of family therapy is for individuals to rise out of togetherness that binds them. Family systems theory encourages differentiation in marriage so that couples can remain intimate without compromising their uniqueness. Therefore, family therapists should help couples improve their emotional maturity as emotionally immature individuals cannot find a way through their differences. Couples make progress when they reduce their reactivity through flexibility and self-awareness. Bowen (1978) encourages therapists to remain outside the triangle claiming that the couple will resolve their conflict automatically when they are in emotional contact with a person who can relate with the problem without taking a side. Counselors should help couples to see the problem differently, to understand both sides of the conflicts to reduce the likelihood of villain and victims. Once the couple learns about the chain reaction, they learn about each other’s thoughts, hopes, and fears, and they will work on improving their relationship.
The family systems theory can also help divorcees to improve their relationships. According to Baker & Eichler (2016), family systems theory can provide a practical solution to co-parenting families. When a couple wants to divorce, there is the right way to end the marriage in a way that reduced the bitterness. The couple should accept the new reality and focus on developing new relationships communicate with each other and create a healthy environment for the children. A divorce reorganizes the family, but the family remains a family when there are children in the picture. The negative effects of divorce are minimized when the couple works towards reducing the ambiguity and avoid bringing children into the conflict (Polak & Saini, 2015). The couple should process the pain and disappointment so that they can integrate divorce into their lives in a healthy manner.
Healthy adjustment is necessary so that the parents can fulfill the economic and psychological needs of their children. When parents create a supportive climate, children are encouraged to maintain a relationship with each parent without having to pick a side. Children benefit the most when parents are supportive and do not limit the children from being with each other. Therapists use family systems theory to resolve the power struggles and reduce the pain and anger to create a cooperative co-parental relationship (McLanahan & Sawhill, 2015). When everyone takes responsibility for his/her behavior that led to the end of the marriage, the bitterness reduces making it possible for everyone to move on.
Conclusion
Family systems theory is a useful guide to most problems affecting families today. One of the most significant problems affecting the family is divorce. The couple chooses to divorce when they cannot solve marital problems, and the pattern of conflict often goes on to the post-divorce relationship. Family systems theory challenges the concept of “stuck togetherness” by encouraging couples to regain emotional independence so that they can enjoy healthy intimacy. When there is anxiety, couple reacts differently depending on their emotional self. Couples are vulnerable to the intensity of the fusion, and the more they comprise their uniqueness, it becomes hard to salvage their marriage. When working with married or divorcees, counselors should help their clients regain emotional autonomy so that they will learn to address issues objectively and work together to create a positive environment for the family.
References
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