All kinds of relationships especially marriages encounter conflicts within their relationship, which is normal as it entails two people who are working life out together. The main concerned is finding friendly ways of resolving and working out these differences. The conflicts also need to be tackled at the opportune time because unresolved conflict is compared with accumulating rust on metal (Valiente, Belanger, & Estrada, 2002).
Naturally, conflicts are of human nature on cannot completely evade them. Therefore when two people join to become one through marriage differences will slowly arise. These differences are not necessarily bad it is what makes the two of them unique from each other. In fact, these differences are the things that first make people be attracted to each other, and then they start to date. Differences like the lady being a talker while the gentleman being a good listener or the gentleman being outgoing and the lady is reserved are the center of attraction at initial stages of dating. In other words, unlike poles attract and these aspects of uniqueness are also the epicenter of conflicts (McKay, Fanning & Paleg, 2006).
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As conflicts are inevitable, it is essential that married people to always have plans and additional contingency plans that will enable amicable resolution of these conflicts when they surface. Further, people in relationships be it marriages, Chapman, 2015). dating or friendship should be committed and devoted to resolving conflicts that may arise. Conflict resolution in marriages or dating relationships is time to consume and at times more stressful than they initially comprehended to be. Ignoring conflicts should be the last thing or method of resolving conflicts in any marriage as ignorance reduces the lifetime of marriages.
As a result, couples should learn better ways of resolving conflicts in their relationships this is because unresolved conflicts always translate to un-forgiveness, hurt feelings, deep-seated bitterness that ultimately result in divorce.
Marital Problems that Bring About Conflicts in Marriages
As much as most couples are not fond of accepting cause of conflicts in their marriage of the fear of being taken as the guilty one or ordinarily sparking off a blame game duel, there are several causes of conflicts in most marriages (Shaffer, 2015). Money and financial problems are one of the major causes of marital conflicts. Often, couples quarrel over bills, debts, spending and other money matters.
Secondly, parenting issues such as how to discipline the children when they have flawed is also a major cause of conflict in marriages. As a matter of fact children are the number one stressors in marriages and can spark-off differences on the basis of beliefs and line of thoughts on how best to discipline a child. Normally, both the father and the mother have their methods of disciplining a child which are difficult to complement. The mother may see that the father’s method to be too harsh and on the hand the father may dim the mother’s methods to be too lenient (Valiente, Belanger, & Estrada, 2002).
Thirdly, In-laws are also seen as major source of obstacles that otherwise bring conflict in the relationship that hinder peaceful growth of the couple. These sets of people unnecessarily wield strong influences in the relationship of two people who need their own input on matters affecting them. Occasionally, (Pope, & Englar, 2001) the wife or the husband may go to seek advice from relatives when their relationship is in rumble. If relationship advice is not handed over by a good advisor or a bias advisor the advice could result into devastating translation that will otherwise destroy the relationship.
The fourth reason of why relationships occasionally have scuffles is sex. The frequency, quality, quantity, and infidelity are the reason for conflict to emerge. Some of the married people withhold sex as a means of punishing the spouse, some may be fornicating with people outside the relationship and as result, marital bonds break as well as trust is destroyed (Previt, & Amato, 2003).
Most people get into relationships with expectations some may be the wildest ever imagined while others may be viable and attainable. Unfortunately most marriages and most times in marriages are opposite of what was expected. Most people become disillusioned from imaginations that are only possible only in fairy tales that they set their expectations so high not knowing real life has flaws. In this way, most of the married people stumble upon disappointments in the form of unmet expectations (Valiente, Belanger, & Estrada, 2002).
Extensive work that inhibits setting time for individual meeting with your spouse is the sixth cause of quarrel in the house. Time apart makes couples estranged and out of sync with each other. Furthermore, spouses feel lonely feel lonely when their partner is not available for long periods of time (Dildar, Sitwat & Yasin, 2013). Therefore it is only fair for each spouse to set special time to spend with each other. Allotting time in the day or in the week makes one’s partner to feel appreciated and in return conflicts are reduced.
Marriage requires acceptance, admiration, appreciation and emotional safety. Arguments occur when possible resolutions are being forged but in return one is served disrespectful judgments or labeling. It is not acceptable or respectable to try to change a spouse’s opinion or thought relating to some issues through lecture, ridicule or threats. Naturally, attacks on personality and intelligence are the primary undermining factor to achieving mutual respect which is the basis of love. Therefore disrespectful judgments are also leading causes of marital collusion.
Finally, household chores and responsibilities bring about arguments. Most couples disagree over equitable distribution of domestic work and the best way to do those chores. Women in relationships are very particular on how the house should look, where certain things should be placed after use (Fincham, 2004). On the other hand, men show little concerned on where things should be in fact men are deemed to be dirty and unorganized. Besides, dishonesty, laziness, and other irritating character defects. Basic trust and respect are the core underlying fundamentals of love and marriage. Dishonesty, lies, deceit, disloyalty about thoughts or feelings destroy trust and respect
Guidelines for Resolving Conflicts in Marriages
Conflict resolution requires understanding, knowing, accepting and adjusting to one’s Differences. The main reason that marriages have conflicts is because of the different aspects or uniqueness that couples have (Shaffer, (2015). Ironically these different elements were the main points that made married people attract to each other. Frequently, a quite individual marries someone who is more talkative. Alternatively, individuals who are outgoing meet partners who are of more reserved. This is strange and an unlikely result but that is the main reason why people get attracted to who they will and ultimately get married.
The initial feeling of excitement and spontaneity which is brought by the difference in personality of the spouse may fade away after some time into marriage. Expectedly, these points or aspects that initially made men or women’s heart skip a beat on seeing their spouse; become repellants (Valiente, Belanger, & Estrada, 2002). Consequently, small or major arguments may arise from the realization of the difference in personalities in matters like financial managements or methods and ways of raising children.
It is essential that every spouse in marriage understand these differences as the primary factor that brings uniqueness in their personalities and then accept and adjust to them (Chapman & Thomas, 2013). For example, women should know that men sexual arousal is triggered by visual sensation and it have nothing to do with emotions. On the other hand, men should understand that women sexual arousal needs emotional backing for it to be sincere. Acceptance and understanding enable couples to appreciate where they fall out, and further, it allows them to grow closer after they have understood where the misunderstanding was arising from and an amicable solution is picked.
Resolving Conflict Does Not Need Selfishness
Most of our uniqueness are clearly seen when we get married as they reflect on the cause of a conflict from the beginning. Every marriage has its weaknesses that arise and get worse from various personality differences. Aspects such as selfishness and dishonesty always lead to separation. There are some spouses who have a strategy of fighting to win in every conflict (Pope, & Englar, 2001). This type of person has no need of listening to his or her spouse's opinion, and she, or he only cares about winning and the only opinion that counts are theirs. In other words, they get into arguments with already made up minds, therefore, they avoid a fight by this tactic-“winning”. Similarly, there are those individuals, who avoid conflict withdrawing from conflicts; he or she avoids conflicts at any cost and in the end the problem remains unresolved.
Both tactics “fight to win” and “withdraw from conflict” both exhibit selfishness that the two spouses have in their personality (Shaffer, 2015). Greed makes relationships to break because it brings inner hatred to the person who feels that he or she has not received impartial justice from the means used to resolve the conflict and the resolution itself.
Therefore, selfishness should not be seen in a relationship that two people are involved in. On the contrary, spouses should lovingly confront their partners by first looking through their inner self to evaluate what has triggered the conflict. At times, it may be the same person who is complaining. Secondly, both spouses should look for opportune time and the right circumstance to show each other where they fall out (Valiente, Belanger & Estrada, 2002). Thirdly speak truthfully and at the same time lovingly. It creates transparency in the relationship which in turn to some extent reduces the times in which spouses get into conflicts.
Resolving conflict requires pursuing the other person
As much as conflicts are bound to ensue and at times one finds him or herself on the wrong side, it is advisable that without feeling belittle or overwhelming guilt one should pursue his or her partner and solve the problem by accepting and taking responsibility for the mistake. This does not mean that one person is a servant of the other person; in fact owning up to your failures is the ultimate indicator of self-awareness (Chapman, 2015). Effective pursuing of conflict resolution requires setting aside of anger, bitterness and hurt. In other words, one should never lose hurt on their partner and every person should keep their relationship current to remain in solid daily fellowship with their spouse.
Resolving conflict needs a loving confrontation
After an argument the approach of confronting your spouse might be the deciding factor if the relationship will be given another chance or the link will be at its end. There are a few, wise, patient and humane ways that ensure that reconciliation is reached. First one needs to check his or her motivation regarding the effect that your words might bring. Evaluate if your words will bring healing and reconciliation or further isolation (Valiente, Belanger, & Estrada, 2002). There is also the need for reading and understanding the circumstances to see if there are other external pressures that add onto the first conflict. This enables sensitivity and recognition of where you partners draw his or her arguments.
After being given the opportunity to air your views, stick to one issue at a time and focus on the problem not the person. Also, one should not pile up a series of past accusations and complaints and lay them on your spouse all at once because this will create another scuffle in a time when resolution is needed. In other words focus on facts rather than being judgmental and motive driven. If your spouse forgets an important thing you should not be the one to have controversial and demoralizing words. Above everything, one should focus on understanding their spouse instead of on competing on who is the winner and the loser in every confrontation (Previt & Amato, 2003). In short, when anyone is confronted by their spouse, one should be ready to listen to what is said and should not misinterpretation what is being said.
Resolving conflict needs forgiveness
Man is to error, no matter how hard anyone might try to attain a flawless relationship, man will always fail. Failure is accompanied by hurt, bitterness and feeling of lack of self-worth (Becker-Phelps, 2014). The only way to rekindle love and replenish it with the happiness that was there at first, each and every one in relationships should learn how to forgive. Forgiveness is the primary ingredient for reconciliation and it enables the maintenance of an open and loving marriage. Spouses should not only forgive, but they should also be able to forget previous mistakes. Forgiving means that one has no desire of punishing their partner or getting even in any way with the one who hurt him or her. Further, forgiveness cannot be counted when it is done under duress.
Resolving conflict requires turning a blind eye when need be
An ideal situation or status of which marital arguments should be based on is a “blessing for insult” basis not on “insult for insult” basis (Previt & Amato, 2003). Couples may resort to abusive comments towards each other’s action which is a wrong way to go about marital reconciliation. “Blessing for insult” for abuse approach entails stepping aside or retreating and refusing to retaliate in instances when one’s partner is angry. Also, it also entails doing well by speaking kindly and softly at times of confrontations.
Conclusion
Like rust that result from hydrated ferric oxides which form on iron that is comes into contact with water, relationship also get destructed gradually by factors such as infidelity, disappointing expectations. Also, the way rust is inevitable to iron that has not been galvanized; relationships that do not have clear ways of solving their problems always perish or fail. When it comes to marriage we do not take into consideration whether couples will quarrel, but it is the time when quarrels will start that is of importance. This means that conflicts in marriage are inevitable and the steps that will be taken to resolve the conflicts are important.
Resolving conflicts require efforts that sometime need great determination for one to be able to get positive results which is worth the effort that one put in while trying to resolve the conflict. Conflicts need to be handled and tackled once problem occur, because unresolved conflict unresolved conflicts always lead to emotional wounds which are made worse by un-forgiveness, also hurt feelings and bitterness may devastatingly lead to gruesome divorces. Just like ignored rust on metal, unresolved conflicts reduce the intended life span of relationships and marriages. Marriages that are coupled with problems always are also on the verge of divorce or separation (McKay, Fanning & Paleg, 2006).
In order to properly tackle and resolve marriage conflicts individuals should first know what normally cause conflicts in marriages (Pope, M & Englar, 2001). As a result of amicable conflict resolution children in families are taught good and valuable lessons which they can use in their older years. In addition, conflict resolution first stages comprise of understanding the basis of differences within the spouses and accepting the differences in order to properly and amply relate (Bird, 2014) . On the other hand, love, commitment and forgiveness put away vices such infidelity and dishonesty and brings closeness, intimacy and honesty in the relationship.
References
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