Relationships and intimacy can be complex matters for some people. The establishment of a bond that is purely based on trust, faith, and assurance is not very easy. However, other people do not find any difficulties in creating and establishing bonds that result in good relationships. The whole concept of relationships and intimacy can to some extent be purely subjective. The way someone perceives relationships and the creation of a bond with another person are often based on their feelings, experiences, beliefs, and perceptions. Since these elements cannot be the same for everyone, this is what elementarily forms the differences in the various romantic attachment styles.
I tend to believe that I best fit for the ‘Avoidant attachment style.’ Based on my past relationship experiences and my overall perception of relationships and intimacy, I find myself inclined to the Avoidant attachment style. The thought of completely opening up to people and letting them know me profoundly overwhelms me. It is not like I am an introvert or unsociable, it is just a fear that I have about completely bonding with people intimately or even creating a lasting relationship with them. This also happens when people start getting close to me, and then they open up to me, but I remain reluctant at letting them in. Therefore, I usually find myself socializing and interacting very well with people but when the bond starts becoming intimate or taking a relationship direction, I usually become reserved. I feel that the people I connect with or the love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.
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Being an ‘avoidant attachment style’ individual has affected my past relationship in several ways. One is that the creation or establishment of a complete trust bond with my former partners has been challenging. My reservation to let people in or reveal everything about myself made my former partners feel like I was not completely honest with them. As stated earlier, trust and honesty are the fundamental pillars on which any successful relationship is created. Therefore, if there is a hold of details or information from any of the partners, it usually feels like there is lack of transparency. Most of my previous relationships did not work because of this reason. My partners thought that I was not honest enough for them to completely trust me and create a lasting relationship.
For my non-romantic relationships, there has not been much effect. This is because it is not always advisable for anyone to go around revealing too much information about themselves to friends and other people whom you are not close to. However, I have had several misunderstandings with two close friends because of my ‘avoidant attachment style.’ Even though we are close friends, they got to understand my character, and we still associate a lot with them. The complaint was the same; that they let me into their private lives without withholding any information, but I never reciprocated. Instead, I changed the topic or gave blurred and shady details about my stuff or life.
The attachment relationship I had with my parents when I was young is not the same as my romantic attachment style. When I was young, I used to tell everything to my parents. I would let them in on my feelings, beliefs, experiences, fears, and expectations. Especially, my mother, I used to tell her everything. All the mischievous things I had done during the day, or the feeling I had about a neighbor or a friend. I was very secure, safe, and always felt reassured when I shared all this information. However, I feel like this is something that every kid of my age was doing at that time.
There is definitely a change in my relationship attachment style when I was a kid and now that I am an adult. The first attribution to this change is the various life experiences I have had as I was growing up. Some of these experiences were personal while others were an observation from close friends and family. One of the experiences that I think had the most significant impact was a breakup from a previous relationship. After the relationship, I felt deceived, cheated, and naïve. That is when I started creating a boundary on very intimate attachments or revealing too much about myself to other people. I always feared the reoccurrence of the same hence I developed a ‘reserved’ character in most of my relationships and associations with other people.
It is without any doubt that the experiences which people go through can alter their relationship style as time progresses or as they grow. In cases where an individual changes from feeling secure as a child to anxious/ambivalent as an adult, there must be a reason or experience that led to the change. Most of the children who have grown up with both of their parents are usually secure. They feel free and safe to talk about everything with their parents. Therefore, they grow trusting people and expecting as much trust and love from them. A child who grows up with both parents and they happen to divorce or have conflicts or misunderstandings may change from secure as a child to anxious/ambivalent as an adult. Seeing their parents fighting or divorcing each other always rings a bell of whether the person they are in a relationship with really loves them and if they are honest about how they feel (Levine & Rachel, 2011).
Changing from avoidant as a child to secure as an adult can also be attributed to certain life experiences. Again, the type of parents and environment that a child grows around usually affect their relationship style. A child who is avoidant may have a harsh environment or an unstable relationship with their parents. This makes them become reserved in establishing relationships and the information they reveal to people. However, as they grow, they have an experience on how honesty and a functional bond can be created to last. This experience can be from friends or lessons taken from a class. For this reason, someone adjusts themselves to opening up to people and usually feels free to share with utmost honesty and without any withholding.
Reference
Levine, A. & Rachel, H. (2011). Attached: Identify your attachment style and find your perfect match. CA: Pan Macmillan.
