In the world today, almost everyone claims to be in love with something or someone. Love is projected in diverse ways towards different things. What then causes the difference? Is being in love the same as falling in love? How much love can an average human show? Can someone be without love? All the questions bring about the definition of love. Love is an emotional feeling, a great fondness, or licking of someone or something. Among human beings, love is a powerful emotion that is manifested in devotion, deep affection, or sexual desire. The feeling of love is unexpected and is usually characterized by the desire to spend more time together, a process called courtship. Once love matures, the relationship goes a step further when the two individuals get married, sprouting the strongest bond of love, a family. However, love may lack in certain situations like family, and this may affect an individual's ability to interact and be intimate later in life. Love is the only language that human beings try to comprehend, yet it is most misunderstood, particularly when influenced by negative intimacy issues that date back to one's childhood.
Growing up, my family dynamics were different from what other children experience. From the moment they were dropped off at school, most of my classmates could barely breathe due to the tight hugs and embraces that their parents gave them. Most of the time, it was a difficult moment for the parents to let go of their kids and watch them disappear into the gigantic school buildings. I dreaded these moments because, on most occasions, I took the bus or was dropped off by my nanny, who was unfamiliar with affectionate acts such as hugging. This was, however, better than being dropped off by my parents. Not only did they not show affection as other parents did, but they would speed up the process and be on their way before I turned to say goodbye. The process made me angry and preferred the school bus or my nanny. The lack of intimacy from my parents also made me sad. While all my classmates talked about the quality time they spent doing chores, homework, or vacations, I was silent because I had nothing to share. Consequently, I was always distancing myself from them. I always felt like they are judging me based on my lack of intimate experiences to share. From that moment, I started thinking about the life I would give to my kids in the future. My imagination only lasted within the confines of the classroom. I vowed to help my kids with the homework, as them how they are feeling and take them on vacations. Doing so helped me feel a little better about myself.
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As I grew older, the lack of love and intimacy started to affect me. Due to my constant alienation from my classmates, most of them neither knew me nor interacted with me, especially during extra-curricular activities. It was ironic because I always felt like everybody is watching or talking about me. I was a member of the basketball team, but I was chosen last by the team captain, a move that made me extremely furious. I vividly recall that Thursday afternoon. Nancy, the team captain, had just called all the names to take the various teams except mine. Without looking at me, she said that I could join her team but could only be useful in making sure the ball stays in the pitch and fetch it when it goes outside. The words infuriated me to the extent of fighting Nancy. I just grabbed her hair and kicked her while telling her that she was judging me because my parents were not as involved in my life as hers. The fight escalated into a major scandal that had me suspended for two weeks. Around that time, lack of affection made me feel the need to explain my situation to my peers.
Nonetheless, the suspension allowed me to experience love for the first time. One of the conditions of the suspension was mandatory therapy. It was during one of the sessions that I met Tonny. He was one year older than me in a neighboring high school. I was not anticipating the kind of bond we experienced. He was different in that he listened to my problems and concurred with the situation that I was going through. For the first time in my life, I felt understood and appreciated, which was weird because it was from a total stranger. I was yearning for love and affection, which he provided. However, as time went by, I could feel that he was drifting apart, but I ignored the sign because I did not want to end my one chance of happiness and to be in love. I was hopelessly in love and was going to ask him to the dance when I found a note. In the note, Tonny categorically stated that he was never in love and that I had become too much for him to handle, which is why he was leaving me. I was devastated and cried for days wishing that he would come back. The chance that I had had of having and experiencing love was over.
Throughout my life, I had lived a bitter life with no clear direction to follow. My heart was chained with emotional numbness, which made me reject the attempts of falling in love. The main reasons were my troubled childhood and my failed affair with Tonny. For this reason, I was scared to show appreciation to others without the same being shown to me. My perception of love was a situation where both partners give and take without leaving anyone behind. There is no worse thing than being in love alone, which is why no one can survive a one-sided love. The effects of a one-sided love significantly contribute to the emotional malfunction of an individual. However, as time passed by, my old view of love gradually changed due to this amazing man I met, Miguel Sanders. As I looked into his eyes, I suddenly jumped into the conclusion that he was a pure reflection of God's flawless creation. From the depth of his eyes to the gentle expression of his voice, he was truly handsome. His innate beauty was heavenly and unfathomable. His voice was like a melody that sparkled, particularly when expressing a new idea or enjoying one of mine. His expression and enthusiasm were beyond words that I could not find an adjective that would correctly describe his perfect beauty in such an imperfect world.
When Miguel stared at me, my surroundings changed and became a paradise. His angelic face stuck on my brain, and his sparkly yet innocent voice gave me goosebumps and childlike reactions. The confidence that he oozed was remarkable, and his smile was close to perfection. Miguel can best be classified as a god, as he is the best of the best. His unique and striking handsomeness captured my attention, but the cheerful aspect of his personality had me glued to him. However, I had to revert from my fantasy and do a reality check. At the moment that Miguel was hypnotizing me, I had some reservations. For instance, considering how my last affair had ended, I was scared of a repeat. In addition to that, my personal experiences from my childhood and school had made me closed-minded. Additionally, I had developed the habit of expecting the worst from people, particularly the ones who tried to get close to me like Miguel. What bothered me is that the more I pushed him away, the closer he got. I was afraid of being heartbroken, but Miguel made it quite clear that he was here to stay. Every time I created a situation that would make him leave, he would calmly assess the situation and assure me that the love he has for me will get me past my insecurities. Eventually, I stopped expecting the worst and opened up to Miguel. I decided to give him my heart and keep his’ safe.
In retrospect, all human beings want to experience and understand love, but childhood intimacy problems may hinder them from falling in love. Such problems prevent us from reciprocating the love that is given by our partners. Although falling in love happens unexpectedly, the effort to nurture the love affair into maturity lies with both individuals in love. Every night, confusion invades my mind. A myriad of queries bothers and leaves me asking whether these feelings I have for Miguel Sanders are love or not. I still cannot fathom how he converted my cold, useless, and robotic life into a more enjoyable, meaningful, and happy one. My world was turned upside down, and the feeling was incredible. All that happened because of this gorgeous man I met. Because of this special kind of experience, my 33-year-old self can confidently say that love is of a holistic value that adds meaning to every individual's life. Its absence in one's life relates closely to the tasteless manipulation of their perception. Human beings are thus capable of loving and being loved.
