The book The Gifts of Imperfection combines personal experiences with expert opinion from one of the leading experts in human behavior. Brené Brown is among the scholars and experts that most people in the world would aspire to become, yet in the said book, she reveals that many aspects of imperfection have dogged her life . Many a time, she has been made to feel inadequate by circumstances and/or individuals from a professional and personal perspective. Brown’s responses to this have not always been the best and in some instances, situations have broken her, instead of her breaking through them (Brown, 2015) . Yet in other situations, she has been able to handle herself well and in spite of challenges and contingencies, come up on top. The combination of her experiences, her academic prowess and also research brings together excellent insight on the subject of imperfections and how to handle them in life. Her works also borrow from concepts that are also found in works such as Coleman and Deutsch’s The handbook of conflict resolution, Stone’s Difficult Conversation and Mind Over Mood by Greenberger and Padesky. The overall message in the totality of these works is that one does not need to be perfect so as to be worthy, it only takes an acceptance of whom one is and making the best out of it.
The Concept of Imperfection
The fact that human beings are talented and gifted differently means that the perfect human is an unachievable mirage. No matter how one strives towards perfection, the same is practically impossible. One will excel in one aspect and fail on another and vice versa. Further, even in the areas where one believes to have achieved excellence in, a day of faltering will still come. Brown shares her personal experiences, even in areas where she had seemingly happened to fail to show that contingencies will happen even in a human being’s area of strength (Brown, 2015) . A good example is a speech she gave to parents on how their conducts affect children, a topic she had been researching on and which she could speak of by rote. The speech, however, ended up a monumental disaster and broke her soul. The worst part about it is that she mishandled the situation and tried to impress when it seemed that her audience were not following her. This was the wrong approach and it backfired spectacularly leading to a terrible experience. If a Ph.D. can fail in her area of specialty, it means any human being can. Failures and imperfection do not, however, mean that humans are unworthy. They are just a part of life that an individual should embrace and seek to thrive in spite of them. This is the essence of humans being imperfect, yet worthy at the same time. The worthiness, however, lies in the eyes of the individual and not those of the society. Worthiness lies in self-acceptance and giving the self every benefit of the doubt even when things have not gone well.
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The Handbook of Conflict Resolution
As indicated above, Brown admonishes against taking up the opinions of others and using them to judge the self. However, it is not possible to avoid the others in life just as it is impossible to avoid conflict with others. To use the example above about a speech that Brown gave, one of the most remarkable aspects of the speech was an individual, seated near the front row who kept on sighing so loudly that she made both Brown and those around him extremely uncomfortable (Brown, 2015) . According to the narrative, the speech had begun on a wrong footing because of secondary factors. However, Brown had the ability to take control of the situation and salvage the speech. The conflict with a man she did not even know confounded Brown and instead of salvaging the meeting, she utterly ruined it. That man’s character did not affect him, but it affected Brown deeply enough to almost break her. The problem, however, lay in the fact that she failed in handling the dispute that arose within the speech. The book by Coleman and Deutsch (2014) gives the internal and external dynamics of proper conflict resolution. It enables an individual to not only resolve the conflict but also take advantage of the said conflict, so as to create a relationship. Brown uses the principles shared in conflict resolution to enlighten of how to use proper conflict resolution skills in a moment of conflict so that the conflicts that arise work for better and not for worse for the individual (Brown, 2015) .
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters most
It has been said that in the valley of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. However, in the story within which that saying was developed, the elders wanted the eye of the one-eyed man to be removed since his sight was a handicap. He had to make a desperate plea to convince the elders that blindness was the problem, not sight. These definitely qualified as a difficult conservation. It is defined as the kind of conversation that is necessary, perhaps even expedient but one which everyone would prefer not to have. Brown addresses difficult conversations a lot when she canvases the subject of shame. In her expert opinion, Brown indicates that shame loves secrecy and abhors conversation (Brown, 2015) . When something shameful happens to someone like the fateful speech showcased above, it is easy to feel compelled to hide the shame and not share. Further, it is easier not to apprehend the person who created the shame and iron out the issue. Silence, however, causes shame to fester and worsen. To avoid this, it is critical to harnessing difficult conversation skills. A difficult conversation is about finding a middle ground and settles the issue but not seeking to come out of the top . It, therefore, necessitates an open mind and a will to accept a contrary opinion. Further, within a difficult conversation, there is always the issue and the proverbial hatchet. The hatchet, which in Patton, Stone and Heen is referred to as the ‘impact’ is not important but always stands in the way of the issues. A successful difficult conversation necessitates burying the hatchet so as to settle the issue. This causes the process of difficult conversations to result in problem-solving, not dispute enhancement.
Mind over Mood: Change how you Feel by Changing the way you Think
A careful analysis of the totality of the book by Brown (2015) shows that it carries an underlying message similar to the one carried in the book by Greenberger and Padesky (2016). This is the concept of allowing intellect to overcome the emotional attributes of a situation. Brown teaches that at the beginning of each day, an individual ought to admonish the self not to get swayed by whatever happens in the cause of the day to an extent of changing the perfect self-opinion (Brown, 2015) . Similarly, at the very end of the day, in spite of what may have happened, it is important to admonish on the basis that albeit may not have gone as expected, the perfect self-opinion has not changed. There is extreme congruency between that concept and the concept of mind over mood. Moods are emotional manifestations mainly based on the cognitively collected information from the surrounding environment. This makes moods malleable. On the other hand, intellect lies in the mind and can when properly calibrated remain unmoved no matter what external factors come along the path of the individual. Moods should, therefore, come and go but never change the perfect self-perfection that an individual should cultivate within the mind. This self-perfection should be jealously safeguarded to ensure that they are not eroded by the individuals and situations that come along each and every day.
Conclusion
It is clear from the foregoing that albeit imperfections are an integral part of human life, they should not be a burden. Feeling worthy should, therefore, not be a contingent of the unreachable goal of perfection. It is impossible for any human to handle all tasks perfectly and in some circumstances even passably. Even in the very areas where one has seemingly found perfection in, contingencies happen, leading to catastrophic failure. Brown, however, seeks to enlighten on how to handle this contingency so as to avoid a worst case scenario. Further, she also factors the way forward in the case the worst case scenario does happen. For a start, the conflict will exist for as long a man remains a social being. Ability to currently handle conflict goes a long way in mitigating contingencies. When things eventually go wrong, it becomes time for the difficult conversation with whomsoever an individual is in dispute with. This conversation must not be in pursuit of vindication but on resolving the issues as well as the crisis. Finally, whatever happens on the outside must and should never change the self-opinion that an individual has. The manifestations of imperfections, as and when they come along in life should never cause an individual to feel less worthy since worthiness is not borne by perfection.
References
Brown, B. (2015). The gifts of imperfection . Tullamarine, Victoria: Bolinda Audio.
Coleman, P. T., & Deutsch, M. (2014). The handbook of conflict resolution: theory and practice . San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Greenberger, D., & Padesky, C. A. (2016). Mind over mood: change how you feel by changing the way you think . New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Patton, B., Stone, D., & Heen, S. (2011). Difficult conversations: how to discuss what matters most . London: Penguin.
