Article 1
Paper to be reviewed: “ In Defense of Affirmative Action against Asian Students in the U.S College Admission”.
Summary:
1. You have written about ‘’In Defense of Affirmative Action against Asian Students in US College Admission’’.
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2. Idea Map:
Paragraph 1 introduces the affirmative action topic.
Paragraphs 2, 3 and 4 give details on what affirmative action in universities is, and how it came into existence. You also offered background information on affirmative action against Asian students.
Paragraphs 5, 6 and 7 discuss the adverse effects of affirmative action on the minority races.
Paragraph 8 offers reasons why affirmative action needs to get abolished, while the last paragraph offers a summary of the whole essay.
Praise
The introduction paragraph was perfect since you began it by explaining a problem, which affirmative action seeks to address. You articulated the second paragraph well, and there was a lot of information that explains what affirmative action is with regards to college life. You mentioned popular colleges and universities in the United States and gave examples of how they carried out their affirmative action on racial issues, which serves to bolster your essay.
Recommendation for Improvement
In the concluding paragraph, you seemed to introduce some new issues, which is not right for an essay. You should have focused on comparing and contrasting the data and findings that you made in the preceding paragraph to come up with a clear summary of the findings. This approach would have made your essay offer a strong call for action.
Organization and Paragraphs
Generally, you organized your paragraphs perfectly since you accorded each point its paragraph. However, you ought to make the sections equal or almost equal in size. Avoid making some paragraphs extremely long while others short. This enables you to balance your ideas as you write the essay.
Article 2
Paper to be reviewed: “Loose Cannon: Gun Control on Campus.”
Summary:
1. You have written about Loose Cannon: Gun Control on Campus.
2. Idea Map:
In Paragraph 1, you introduce the problem, which comes about the use of concealed guns on campus. You further offer an overview of the entire essay.
In paragraph 2, you have explained why carrying concealed weapons causes more harm. You mentioned the various states that have set laws that prohibit and allow carrying of concealed weapons on campus.
Paragraph 3 mentions psychological problems as the potential causes of mass shootings on campus.
In paragraph 4, you gave some solutions to avert mass shootings, while in paragraph 5, you offered some of the stakeholders to help curb the problem.
Praise
Your lucubration on paragraph 3 is laudable since you were able to bring out the potential causes of the problem in a clear and concise manner. You used examples and statistical data findings to substantiate your argument, which bolstered your general discussion of the topic.
Recommendation for Improvement
Looking at your essay, there is a clear message on each sub-topic. You covered a particular content on each sub-topic but failed to come up with the required conclusion. You simply picked one sub-topic and made it a conclusion. A conclusion should offer a summary of all the subtopics covered in the essay. You should avoid using the final sub-topic as your conclusion.
Organization and Paragraphs
The organization of your work was top notch. Paragraphs were organized in sub-topics, which enable a reader to understand your essay with fewer struggles. Likewise, your paragraphs were equal and were not too long. That means you balanced your work expertly.
