Gender in the current times is an issue of concern. Gender refers to the socially constructed notion about feminine and masculine roles that might coincide with notions of an individual’s sex. Gender relations in society have historically been unbalanced especially against girls and women (Samba, 2017) . The society looks at boys differently from girls. Boys playing while naked elicits laughter among family and neighbors whereas the society acts visibly uncomfortable when little girls are seen naked. This essay analyses the message “boys do not cry" that males and females receive from our culture about what it means to be either male or female.
“ Boys Don’t Cry”
"Real men do not cry." That is a phrase I heard a father introducing his toddler in a café while I was sitting by the nearby table. The little boy looked sad and hurt, but his father explained that men are strong and are not supposed to show off their emotions like women. The society has taught that it is fine when women cry, while men are not supposed to. Individuals have constructed the society and put expectations towards fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers that men cannot be weak. I think the idea that boys do not cry is one of the most firmly entrenched ideas of masculinity. Although men might shed discreet tears at a funeral, they are expected to regain control quickly.
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Boys are taught at an incredible age that they have to act tough and like the color blue. Many parents in a number of households rush to introduce to their children the concept of gender roles when a boy picks up a doll to play with it. A wide range of people emphasizes the importance of little boys adhering to specific gender roles without considering the reason. Little boys are told to “be men” in the patriarchal society we live in. Males become effeminate and a disappointment to manhood when they shed tears or display emotions other than dominance or aggression. Men are considered a threat to patriarchal society when they choose to be “different”.
The concept of crying denotes vulnerability. The signs of weakness in the human makeup are considered to be teary eyes, red nose, and a puffy face. Different individuals react in the same manner to tears of men, who according to societal expectations, must fulfill their roles as protectors, and therefore, never cry (Shaharyar, 2017) . The innate culture teaches that strong men are individuals who do not cry. However, science insists repeatedly that crying is natural. The masculine identity emphasizes holding back tears especially during grief or happiness, such as the death of a loved one or birth of a child respectively. The male’s child upbringing is filled by everyday phrases of “crying is for the weak” and “big boys do not cry”. The rhetorical question “Are you a girl? Don’t cry!” is the most severe implication. Weakness is considered as a feminine attribute and has been used to insult individuals of male gender since time immemorial.
The heterogenic masculinity provided to men is assumed by the patriarchal society to be helpful to men. The ability of men not to be driven by emotions or cry legitimizes man’s dominant position in the society and justified subordination of women (Garcilazo, 2017) . However, patriarchy is harmful to men in many ways. Men have to fit the stereotype of being sexually aggressive, unemotional, and violent. The constructed concept of manhood by the patriarchal society perpetuates toxicity in masculinity because not all men benefit from the strict guidelines they need to adhere to in order to construct their male identity. Challenging toxic masculinity threatens the long-withstanding gender roles. Therefore, the patriarchal society keeps telling their sons that they are wrong and not “real men” when they attempt to be progressive. The society urges boys not to cry because such emotions directly threaten their manhood and risk bringing them down from their positions in society. Moreover, the patriarchal society hinders men from speaking up when they are victims of physical or sexual abuse because they would ruin their image as men. According to Grozelle, (2014), men commit gendered violations with intentions of controlling, dominating, and expressing power and authority. Males are met with the phrase “boys will be boys” when they behave aggressively or mischievously towards women, to further hegemonic masculinity.
Despite the society’s expectations of men not to cry, biology provides a different viewpoint. Research has identified a wide range of benefits of crying for both women and men. Crying is encouraged by research because suppressing emotions can adversely impact the underlying biochemistry of human bodies (Shaharyar, 2017) . The repressed feelings with time manifest themselves in various ways such as heart diseases and high blood pressure and even mental instability and aggression.
Boys are raised by most parents to cry privately, if at all. Beyond the cultural veil and behind tears lies some of the greatest discoveries and healings. Tears have a healing power in releasing stress, grief, sadness, frustrations, and anxiety. Tears act as a sign of strength, courage, and authenticity.
Influences of Gender Roles on Emotions
Investment in gender roles by individuals and the meaning of relationships are impacted by a wide range of variables, of which gender is one of them. The definition of the roles of men and women as they relate to family and work are continuously changing. Family plays a critical role in shaping the socialization of emotions. Families socialize children into the needs and ways of regulating emotions. The way a family defines gender roles can considerably impact the socialization of emotions (Doka & Martin, 2014). One family may foster the sexual stereotype that "boys don't cry" while another family may encourage the open expression of feelings regardless of gender. Children in some families are taught to seek solace in community, disclose their innermost thoughts, and value feelings to guide their behavior. Other families model self-reliance, solitude, stoicism, and emphasis on rationality. A wide range of adults continuously have stereotyped and traditional conceptions of sex roles and behave accordingly despite the changing standards and attitudes.
Gender roles are acquired during early childhood, especially in a child's preschool years. Children in this stage acquire socially defined attitudes and behaviors associated with being female or male. Girls and boys as young as three years old for instance show differences in handling everyday pain (Doka & Martin, 2014). Girls are highly likely to exhibit distress and seek out comfort from the adults than boys at that young age. In consideration to childhood games, girls and boys develop different social skills although complementary. Boys learn to compete with one another while girls learn to interact with others either in small groups or one-on-one to work in cooperation and have empathy for others. Boys mostly practice following, leading, and working with others on a team to achieve a common, usually to defeat another team.
Childrearing practices and experience retain eminence in shaping emotional behaviors and sex roles. Fathers, in particular, play a critical role in their children's sexual-role development, especially in preschool years. The degree of fathers' masculinity promotes traditional sex roles in their sons and also in daughters (Doka & Martin, 2014). Girls acquire sex-roles through a reciprocal role learning process. Girls acquire the role of acting as females by complementing their father’s masculinity. However, boys mostly identify with and imitate the behavior of their fathers while boys with feminine mothers do not necessarily behave in a masculine manner.
Males as adults are attracted to sports because they emphasize a competitive role. Friendship among them usually centers on shared activities. Boys, as well as men, view their relationships with others in terms of hierarchy. Males have a tendency to de-emphasize emotionality in tender emotions such as nurturing and crying (Doka & Martin, 2014). Socialization in the roles of men means learning how to control one's emotions. Men tend to learn problem-focused and active solutions for coping with stress. Moreover, males tend to value self-reliance. The hallmark of manhood has long been defined as the ability to face one's difficulties and solving one's problems alone.
The experiences of women, on the other hand, are somewhat different. Girls appear to be more cooperative and to have empathy and consideration for others from an early age. Girls are taught to draw support from one another and share confidence (Doka & Martin, 2014). Consequently, females learn to pay more attention to their emotional state and that of others because they are socialized to be more attuned to emotions.
Conclusion
The society maintains that “boys don’t cry” and believes that raising a strong boy means discouraging tears. The society believes men’s tears show their weakness and vulnerabilities. As with most behaviors, crying is appropriate for both men and women in some situations than in others. The society should show good judgment and refrain from judging men for shedding tears like their female counterparts.
Reference
Doka, K. J., & Martin, T. L. (2014). Men don't cry, women do: Transcending gender stereotypes of grief . Routledge.
Garcilazo, R. (2017). “Stop Crying, Be a Man!” – applied intersectionality. – Medium. Retrieved from https://medium.com/applied-intersectionality/stop-crying-be-a-man-79ac63337387
Grozelle, R. S. (2014). Hegemonic Masculinity in" Boys Don't Cry"(1999). Inquiries Journal , 6 (03).
Samba, R. (2017). ‘Boys Don’t Cry’: Gender Roles and Misnomers | TheWomensTorch. Retrieved from https://www.thewomenstorch.com/2017/02/09/boys-dont-cry-gender-roles-and-misnomers/
Shaharyar, A. (2017). Parenting: boys don’t cry? | The Express Tribune. Retrieved from https://tribune.com.pk/story/783576/parenting-boys-dont-cry/
